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55 Reasons To Love The Fourth Of July

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“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.” -Kenny Powers

  1. Red, white, and blue Jell-O shots.
  2. Baking patriotic cupcakes that you would never eat.
  3. Okay, well maybe one. For America.
  4. Watching “Independence Day” and feeling your genitals tingle during the most epic “America” speech ever.
  5. Drunk texting your ex, reminding him that last year he said he would always love you while watching fireworks.
  6. Which was a lie. Obviously.
  7. Acting like you’re bad at beer pong because you’re drunk, as opposed to the painfully obvious fact that you just suck.
  8. But declaring that flip cup is your game, naturally.
  9. Budweiser.
  10. Seeing a pigeon and claiming it’s a bald eagle.
  11. Insisting on singing “America” songs you learned in elementary school.
  12. “Ohhhh beautifullll for, uh…pretty skiessssss…”
  13. Not going into the pool because, like, hair.
  14. Getting mad when a boy throws you in the pool, because, like, hair.
  15. Realizing the boy is super hot, and therefore, no longer giving a shit about your hair.
  16. Drinking beer from the bottle.
  17. And yes, on this day, you like beer.
  18. Also on this day, you are not on a diet.
  19. Slip ‘n’ slides.
  20. Being allowed to talk about who, how, or what you’re going to vote for.
  21. Oh, and to all the ladies and darker skinned friends, hello right to vote!
  22. Having fire engine red nails, with a blue accent nail, of course.
  23. Saying “America” at the end of every sentence. America!
  24. Seductively eating a popsicle.
  25. Waving an American flag.
  26. Taking 57 crappy quality pictures of the fireworks on your iPhone.
  27. Instagraming the least horrible firework picture and adding an inspirational caption.
  28. Putting a filter on it, because it’s your right.
  29. Red lipstick and white teeth.
  30. Nothing checkmates a monarchy like a democracy.
  31. Not being forced to be covered from head to toe, but being allowed to show off your body if you want to.
  32. Being allowed to hate the girl showing off her body. We get it. You have rockin’ abs and big tits. Cool.
  33. Making whatever guy you sucked into taking you to the fireworks pose for way too many (or not enough) pictures.
  34. Being allowed to thank YOUR god for our amazing country, in public.
  35. Being totally okay to not thank or believe in any god, because that’s your right.
  36. Wearing distressed, high-wasted shorts. (We don’t care that you hate them, boys. This is our America, too!)
  37. Being allowed to wear whatever the hell you want.
  38. Drunkenly crying while watching the fireworks.
  39. Spending the day with your same-sex boyfriend or girlfriend and it being celebrated.
  40. Eating hot dogs and pretending you don’t see the boys staring.
  41. Trying to figure out how to make a bandana look cute before giving up and just wearing a bow.
  42. Also, you have an American flag bow, obviously.
  43. Not being shunned because of your sexual preference, religious views, gender, or race.
  44. Declaring that calories don’t exist today because it’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.
  45. Attending some sort of barbecue or pool party with people you don’t like.
  46. Throwing up in a baseball hat.
  47. Making your Facebook status something along the lines of, “Land of the free, home of the rave.”
  48. Drunkenly trying to recite the Declaration of Independence.
  49. “Four scour and seven years ago…our fathers…brought…forth…beer…?”
  50. Oh, that’s the Gettysburg Address. Kidding.
  51. Getting a group chant of “U-S-A! U-S-A!” as many times as possible.
  52. Having a fear of sparklers due to the amount of hairspray on your body.
  53. Coozies.
  54. As the one and only Will Ferrell said, “The US of A is the best country in the universe, and for that I make no apologies.”
  55. Pass me a beer. #Merica

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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