I worship, no, idolize Amy Schumer. I’ve never been one to fangirl over a band or celebrity, but I’d give up my left ovary to meet her. From her hilarious red carpet interviews to her witty comebacks to trolls on Twitter, to the fact that she brings an entire bottle of wine on stage with her, I’m obsessed with everything Amy. When people say they love her, I get sick with jealousy because she was mine first. When people say I remind them of her, I melt into a puddle of humility and tears (but I think they just say that because we’re both blonde, we make a ton of dick jokes, and she went to the same college as I do). She’s the reason I started doing standup and she’s the reason I’m the badass bitch I am today. She made 2015 her year, and her vulgar words of wisdom made 2015 mine.
“I’m probably, like, 160 pounds and I can catch a dick whenever I want.”
This is my favorite quote. Ever. I want it tattooed on my ribs like a basic bitch. I was a sad, self conscious, single girl who would make herself throw up food she so much as smelled because I thought that being skinny would make boys like me. It turns out that just wastes a lot of good food and makes you hungry and cranky. Self-confidence is what makes you sexy, not just skin and bones.
“We all have that voice in the back of our head that says, ‘Am I actually gorgeous?’”
Yeah, what if we are? What if our view of ourselves is super fucked up because of unrealistic expectations? This summer, I chopped off my hair into a bob instead of dealing with my feelings, and it ended up looking awesome. This boost of confidence helped me in every aspect of my life from school to my social life. If you look good, you feel good. And I think everyone has the ability to look good. Not as good as me of course, but pretty close.
“I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up on stage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.’”
It’s not just my mom who disapproves of my, let’s call it “revealing,” sense of humor. At open mics, other comics will call me a slut on stage after I mention getting dick pics, while the male comics get to act out jerking off to kids without anyone thinking twice. The world still isn’t ready for women to be open and honest about their sexuality, but that won’t stop her, me, or anyone who writes on this site really, and I think that’s pretty fucking cool.
“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.”
Recently, I have discovered what opinions are, and they are awesome to have. Being strong-willed does not make you a bitch, no matter what your ex-boyfriend says. It’s not uncool to care about things going on in the world anymore, so take advantage.
“People are fucking filthy and dirty, and women don’t need to pretend they’re not anymore.”
There are two types of people in the world. The first are people who admit to tweeting from the toilet, picking their noses, peeing in the shower, and picking food up off of the ground. The second are liars. Let’s cut the shit and talk about shit without feeling shamed.
“It’s been a life-altering year. But I guess every year for everyone is a life-altering year.”
So much happens changes in a year, and it’s exciting. I can’t wait to see what 2016 and my girl Amy has coming for us..