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6 Guys Who Didn’t Grab Me By The Pussy Even Though I Kind Of Wanted Them To

6 Guys Who Didn't Grab Me By The Pussy Even Though I Kind Of Wanted Them To

1. The Dad Of The Kids I Babysit
I’d never homewreck — not knowingly, anyway. But this dad is off the charts hot. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that he has a stable job, and stuff, or that I know he’s good with kids, or that the being the hot younger woman a little bit turns me on, but when he’s reaching into his wallet to pay me for watching his children while he takes the woman he loves out for a nice night on the town — oh, how I wish he was taking out his D instead. I bet he really knows how to grab a woman by the pussy too. All those extra years of experience teach you a thing or two about female genitalia. Of course, he never grabs me by anything but the shoulder. But honestly, close enough.

2. The Hot Guy At Starbucks
I believe that Starbucks is a safe space for basics such as myself. I walk in and expect to see a young, stay-at-home mom in yoga pants pushing her baby in a stroller, an old man who stumbled inside thinking this was a run-of-the-mill coffee shop, a jobless hipster on a mac, and that’s about it. I’m surprised EVERY single time I see a hot guy in a suit ordering a black coffee on his cell phone. Hot guys need caffeine too! I’m so caught off guard by his presence in my haven, that all my mental and emotional energy rushes to my bits. I practically approach him, pussy first, hoping he’ll grab it. But he never does.

3. The D-List Celebrity I Met
So, whatever, he was a local weatherman and D-List might even be generous. But he’s pretty hot. You have to be good-looking to be on TV, ya know? I’d never paid much attention to his life, or his forecast, but when I took a glimpse down at his hand, I saw there was no wedding band, so I couldn’t help but imagine him using that hand to reach out and grab me by the pussy. It would be the claim to fame for both me AND my vagina. And hey, if it led to a bunch of headlines, that could only be good for his career in the weather biz. Win-win.

4. Greg Hughes From High School
He was a senior in a sophomore-level math class, and I was a freshman in the same. Sure, we were from different worlds, and he likely went on to do absolutely nothing with his life. But when Mrs. Hunt stood at the whiteboard teaching us the pythagorean theorem, I was daydreaming about Greg grabbing my pythagorean theorem. If you’re confused, that’s a very horrible and nonsensical euphemism for pussy.

5. The Date I Humiliated Myself In Front Of
I don’t think I need to get into the particulars of the evening, but suffice it to say I puked before we left the restaurant and woke up with a camera roll full of selfies in something of a “360 Degrees Of You” fashion. What can I say? I liked this guy, and I was nervous. The only way I could calm my nerves was with more alcohol and making him promise he’d be nothing like my ex — a conversation men love. All I wanted out of the evening was for him to grab my pussy, but instead, he grabbed my hair out of my face as I projectile vomited — a true gentleman.

6. The Guy I Met Just Before I Broke Up With My Boyfriend
I think this one hurts most of all. I literally was ABOUT to break up with my boyfriend, and I met this guy before I had the chance. We were sitting next to each other on the couch, and I had it running through my head: “Grab me by the pussy, grab me by the pussy” but of course he was respectful, and I was taken. My boyfriend grabbed me by the pussy later that week, but it just wasn’t the same.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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