6 Tailgate Outfits To Avoid So You Don’t Distract The Players


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Nice Move

Recently, a column on Huffington Post illustrated the outrage of women wearing certain clothing to tailgates. Entitled “Young ladies of the SEC, cover it up!”, it gets straight to the point. The author doesn’t even have a proper title, it is a full sentence. That is how mad she is. And she should be! We can’t have these girls running around in little outfits in 90 degree weather. Not because it is indecent to have your shoulders out in the summer time (even though everyone knows the shoulder is the joint of the devil), but because once these biddies get into the games and sit in the stands, the football players that we worship won’t be able to help themselves! They’ll be thinking about everything except for the game. Everything sex related, that is. If only the girls would just cover themselves up then we wouldn’t have this problem, am I right? So to help you football-loving floozies out there, here are a few outfits to avoid so this no longer becomes a problem.

1. Dresses

Dresses are completely open on the bottom, which gives access to anything that wants to go up there: the wind, a bug, wide receiver #23. The risk of something slipping up leaves everyone on edge, and all attention on you. Is your dress going to blow up now? Or now? Or now? It’s completely disrespectful to everyone who is trying to focus on the game.

2. Rompers

tailgate romper
Yes, rompers are attached at the bottom, but that doesn’t stop you all from hiking them up your butt cracks. Plus, you have to take them all the way off when you go to the bathroom. So not only will you be holding up the port-o-potty line, but as soon as the quarterback catches a glimpse of your one piece, all he will think about is you wearing nothing but sticky boobs, sweating, hunched over the world’s grossest toilet seat. Talk about an interference.

3. Football Jerseys

tailgate football jersey
It’s like a spirited walk of shame. It is clearly your attempt to show the athletes what you would look like the morning after. We can all see through you, just like the holes in your jersey. Have some modesty.

4. Cut Up T-Shirts

tailgate tank top
Oh wow, what a creative way to be a total slut. Just wear a shirt like the rest of us and stop trying to hard to show off your shoulders. How many times do I have to say this?!

5. TuTus

I’m impressed that you made it out of the house without being stricken. Taking an innocent piece of clothing like a ballerina’s tutu, only to deface it with team colors and strut around like a peacock should be grounds for arrest. The players will be so confused by such a combination of cute and sexy, that they will literally forfeit the game and the loss will be all your fault. How does that make you feel?

6. Bikini Tops

tailgate bikini tops
This is a photo of not one, but TWO prime examples of why there is such an outrage about these outfits. Just look at the face of the guy on the left. It says it all. Luckily, he is just a fan. Could you even fathom the repercussions that would happen if the entire offensive line spotted these girls in the stands? It would be irreparable.

You know what? You probably shouldn’t go. It’s not like girls know anything about football anyway.

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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