Relationships are tricky devils, aren’t they? For some people, locking a dick down is as easy as breathing. For other people? It’s like running a freaking marathon (and not as someone who actually runs marathons. I mean if any of us tried to run a marathon). You feel like no matter what you do, you do it wrong. With tons of different advice and everyone telling you something different, how the hell do you actually keep a guy?
I don’t know. But I can give it a shot.
And so, since there’s basically every piece of self-help out there already (be a bitch, be nice, respect him, keep him on his toes, blah blah blah) I’ve decided to give you one more. Because love wasn’t confusing enough. So in a total most-likely-too-piss-someone-off move, I’m gonna throw a curve ball atcha. Some totally inappropriate, possibly sexist, not PC AF advice for getting a guy to drop to his knee. It might not be what you want to hear, but it might just work.
- Give blow jobs.
- And if you can swallow? Try to do that too.
- Don’t text him a million times in a row, just because he doesn’t answer.
- Or send him one of those long, whiny paragraphs.
- Same goes for calling.
- And voicemails? Come. on. This isn’t the fucking Dark Ages. Don’t leave any of those.
- You’re not his mom. Don’t act like it.
- Because do you know what his mom does? She nags. You know what she doesn’t do? Become his girlfriend (at least, I hope not).
- PORN. IS. YOUR. FRIEND.
- Be cool if he watches it, watch it together, whatever. Just don’t be weird about it and cry and say that he likes those porn stars more than he likes you.
- Because no, he doesn’t. And no, it’s not “cheating.”
- Telling him to “be good” will 100 percent make him not want to be good.
- And asking him if girls will be there is like asking if he’ll cut off his own balls and hand them to you.
- Girls might be there. There’s nothing you can do about it.
- Say sorry first.
- Even if he’s in the wrong. Sometimes your relationship is more important than your ego.
- But if he’s actually a dick, tell him. To his face. Right now.
- Cook for him every once in a while.
- Or at least get take out and pretend that you cooked it.
- Not because you’re a woman but because it’s a nice thing to do for the person you’re trying to trick into falling in love with you.
- Buuuuut maybe wear a cute apron? Clothes underneath are optional.
- He’ll get a kick out of it. And you get to buy a cute apron. Win-win.
- Bonus points if you wear heels.
**I know I know! “I’m not wearing an apron and heels and cooking for a guy.” I hear ya. But you know when he’s wearing that idiotic couples costume for you? Or goes to whatever dumb-ass movie you want to see? Or wears mouse ears at Disney? Yeah, he does it because he likes you and it makes you happy. I’m not saying do it all the time. But once or twice in a flirty way to make him smile? Fuck yeah.
- P.S. Don’t make him wear Micky ears. Just don’t.
- You don’t need to tell him what you’re doing every second of every day.
- It’s okay to have sex with him right away. Just play it cool after and let him come to you (get it? Come).
- Buy him a six-pack on the way home.
- Or pick up the tab at the restaurant.
- And if for some reason he doesn’t buy you your Chipotle bowl, don’t be a bitch about it.
- But if he never buys you your Chipotle bowl, then bitch about it.
- If he asks your number, lie.
- And expect him to extend the same courtesy towards you.
- Never say out loud “I’m going to make my boyfriend do that” or talk about “letting” him do something.
- Allow him to at least think he’s an adult who can do whatever the hell he wants.
Don’t turn him into your prisoner.Don’t let him know you’re turning him into your prisoner.
- Look cute.
- I don’t mean all the time. I’m not insane. But if he’s taking you somewhere nice or you’re having a date, pull yourself together. Show you still care about impressing him.
- And don’t be above sexting.
- Ask him to kill the bug, open the jar, fix the problem.
- Sure you can do it on your own, but make him feel like a stud anyways.
- Play games.
- Games such as: don’t text back right away.
- Being “busy” every once in a while when he wants to hang out.
- Strip poker.
- If he asks, yes. He’s the best you’ve ever had.
- And the biggest.
- And the sexiest.
- Ties, wallets, and framed pictures of you are off limits for holidays.
- Sexy polaroids, tickets to sports things, or a Sports Illustrated calendar is not.
- Never ever talk about his ex. Ever.
- But keep an eye on that bitch like your life depends on it.
- Don’t forget about his balls during sex. Just saying. Use that as you may.
- Remind him before any important date (such as your birthday, your anniversary, your period, whatever).
- Sure, you want to test him. But don’t. Because he will forget. And you will be pissed off.
- Don’t stop flirting. With him or with other guys.
- I’m not saying go blow someone else. But if you’re at the bar and a guy smiles at you, smile back.
- Because trust me, your boyfriend still likes the chase.
- Forget to say “good morning” or “good night” if you usually say it first.
- Be a little bit high maintenance. Just a little.
- Don’t take a shit at his place.
- Or at your place if he’s with you. Trust.
- But always leave some matches and a candle in there, just in case.
- Never, ever, EVER say “I love you first.”
- And finally, let him do buttstuff.
J-fucking-K. I’m not a monster.
Or don’t listen to this and be yourself, do what you want, and find the perfect guy. Either way: happy boyfriend hunting..