Every now and then, we come across a story that is so batshit crazy, so unbelievably insane, and so mind-blowingly absurd that it invites a 45 minute office-wide debate about blowjobs. This is one of those stories.
Stella Ralfini, a 67-year-old grandmother, is taking the Internet by storm today for publicly claiming that semen is the key to looking young forever. Ralfini says that her secret is “worth thousands and thousands, but it’s free.” Well, monetarily speaking, yes. But it does come at a cost–and it’s a sticky cost at that. However, Ralfini really believes her method works.
“All you need is a lover but if you don’t have one, you know what to do. All you need to do is, every ten days or two weeks, just both have a good time, make sure he has a good time, and when your beautiful love-making session is over, you are going to scoop this amazing sperm mask up in your fingers, put it on your face, leave it for fifteen minutes and wash it off.”
Yep, you heard that right, ladies. Just take the worst, most disgusting part about sex and smother it all over your face. You know what every girl I know does both during and after sex? Actively avoids semen. Scientists be damned, there’s nothing healthy about that shit. You know what semen causes? Babies. And you know what happens to unwed mothers? They have to wear a red “A” around their necks and their shitty, preacher boyfriend dies in their arms. Trust me, I totally read the SparkNotes version of “The Scarlet Letter” in high school. That’s what happens. That, or you end up on “Teen Mom.” Neither are good.
Stella must not have gone to high school, though–or maybe they just don’t read “The Scarlet Letter” across the pond. After all, it was written by an American author in the nineteenth century, and I don’t think the Brits started using American products until George W. Bush and Tony Blair wore matching bestie bracelets. All was forgiven after that. So our girl, Stella, missed out on this fine piece of not only literary magic, but also warning of the dangers of casual sex. It’s not her fault that she covers herself with semen. My God, do all British people do this? Those poor people. I’m overcome with elitist guilt all of a sudden.
Actually, I’m not. Because what Ralfini does is disgusting. Seriously, semen on your face? This will only encourage men around the world to “accidentally” aim too high when giving us the kind of pearl necklace we never wanted in the first place. So, tonight, when your boyfriend inevitably does this, you have Stella to thank. That, and the British public school system. A little Nathaniel Hawthorne never killed anybody, guys. Without him, you’ve got people scooping up semen and slathering it on their faces. America: 1. England: 0.
[via Daily Mail]