69-Year-Old Teacher Calls Herself “Grand Diva Of All Things Domestic” In Sassiest Autobiographical Obituary Of All Time


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Obituaries are usually written by overworked, underpaid journalism majors who are THIS close to quitting and working at a Starbucks. They’re usually boring and depressing, since writing about death day in and day out doesn’t exactly inspire. One lively woman wasn’t going to let some caffeine-addicted schmuck write a half-assed attempt at describing her incredible life in such a #basic and boring manner, so she decided to write it herself. Emily Phillips, 69, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was determined to use her time left on this earth to write her own obituary. By golly, did she write it.

The whole thing itself is long, but it’s a magnificent piece of literary genius and worth the read. You can read the whole thing here, but I’ll give you the highlights. Phillips opens with a banger:

It pains me to admit it, but apparently, I have passed away. Everyone told me it would happen one day but that’s simply not something I wanted to hear, much less experience. Once again I didn’t get things my way!

Blunt, truthful, and a little spoiled. I think we’re kindred spirits. She goes on to talk about her childhood memories, the joys of being a pageant girl, and meeting her hunky husband.

I married the man of my dreams (tall, dark, and handsome) on December 16, 1967 and from that day on I was proud to be Mrs. Charlie Phillips, Grand Diva Of All Things Domestic

Crowning yourself Grand Diva Of All Things Domestic. TSM. It sounds like she married a real fox. Way to go. Em Phillips continues by talking about her love for teaching, her children and eventual grandchildren, and all the wonderful memories she’s experienced in her fabulous life. Seriously, this woman enjoyed her life to the fullest. Here comes the sad part.

I’ll leave you with this…please don’t cry because I’m gone; instead be happy that I was here. (Or maybe you can cry a little bit. After all, I have passed away).

So many emotions, and a little bit of laughter at her own self-awareness. I think everyone can appreciate the honesty and realness of her words. This incredible woman doesn’t stop there, and ends her final message to her loved ones and strangers in the most perfect way.

Today I am happy and I am dancing. Probably naked.
Love you forever.

What a way to go out. Naked and dancing, that’s sounds like heaven to me. We’ll miss you, Em, you spunky little devil, you.

[via TIME.com]

Image via Shutterstock

Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).

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