7 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is About To Graduate


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College seniors are fragile creatures. For one, we’re either drunk or hungover 100 percent of the time. Not exactly an ideal state of mind to be in. We’re also in a perpetual state of fear: fear that we might fail that one class we need to graduate, fear that we’ll never see our college friends again after graduation, and fear of what is going to happen after we get that diploma. Bottom line: you really don’t want to mess with us.

But of course, literally everyone thinks this is the perfect time to ask you pointless questions you don’t yet have answers to as if you know all the answers. Maybe you’re one of the lucky few who have your shit together and you do have the answers, but you’d rather not be reminded that your time in college (and the time of your life where it is acceptable to get drunk in the afternoon and blackout on cheap liquor) is running out. You don’t want to think about the future. You just want to enjoy your last few months of freedom in drunken peace. But the world is cruel, and so you find yourself fielding a ton of questions from adults who are quite frankly, jealous that you’re still in college and they’re not. Questions like:

1. What are you going to do after graduation?

I don’t know, maybe just sit around with my finger in my ass. I’m figuring it out, okay? I’ve spent the last six months thinking about this exact question in explicit detail and going over my options, but now that you’ve asked me, I definitely know the answer! I don’t plan on being a complete and utter failure if that’s what you were wondering. Other than that, who knows. I still have some time. My skills include internet stalking, being able to apply fake lashes while tipsy, and knowing the name and complete backstory of every contestant on The Bachelor. If you know anyone hiring for any position where I would have to do minimal work in exchange for full benefits and a phat paycheck every two weeks (or if you know any single billionaires), holler at ya girl.

2. Live it up while you still can, college is the best four years of your life!

DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THIS?! That’s why I’m taking a victory lap and why I’m majoring in something like communications or sociology. I took classes like “Beginners Yoga” and “The History Of Rock Music,” which allowed me to get drunk four to five nights a week and sleep in until noon almost every day. I know it’s all downhill from here. I fully understand that after graduation it will no longer be socially acceptable to spend my days lounging around my sorority house in my pajamas and my nights wandering from frat house to frat house trolling for pein. I know after graduation I will have to *gasp* pay for my own drinks, among other things, like buy vegetables and stop treating my body like a garbage can.

3. What about grad school?

You know what sounds great after four (okay, five) years of school? More school! Grad school is like college without all the fun stuff. It’s harder, you actually have to show up to class, and although you may be surrounded by masses of college kids partying and doing things that will eventually take ten years off their lifespan, you’re not one of them. Plus, while all your friends are off working real jobs, you’re racking up twice the amount of debt while having zero of the fun. Not for me, thanks.

4. Oh, you’re moving back home?

Moving back home is not a sign of failure, but thanks for making it feel like one! Yes, I’m moving back home. I’m trying to be a responsible adult and save money, seeing as I’m not going to be making six figures in an entry-level job straight out of college. Is it ideal? No. Is it temporary? Yes. Those loans aren’t going to pay themselves back.

5. I’m so glad I have X more years of college.

Kick me while I’m down, why don’t you. This is exactly what you shouldn’t say to someone about to graduate. It’s like if someone said to a cancer patient, “I’m SOOOO glad I’m not you!” Yeah, obviously, you lucky bitch. Anyone who says this to a graduating senior deserves a pregnancy scare. Live it up while you can, young ones. Your time will come.

6. The real world isn’t that bad!

Oh really? You make it sound so delightful with all this talk of job searching, the horrible job market, and the rising cost of living. I’m really stoked to leave the cushy atmosphere that is my college campus and enter into a world where I am neither prepared nor emotionally ready to make important decisions about my future. Am I legally allowed to be an adult if I still have to Google “how to properly address a piece of mail” and “who is Dow Jones”? You’re wrong, and we both know you’re wrong because you just said college is the best four years of your life.

7. When do you have to start paying back those loans?

Shut the fuck up.

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Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).

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