It’s here. Finally. After weeks of stressing about exec slating, formals, boys, and I guess grades, it’s upon us: Christmas break. And with this joyous time comes opportunity. The opportunity to reunite with old friends (with or without benefits). The opportunity to pretend you’re a kid again and have your mom make you lunch and do your laundry. And the opportunity to get drunkity-drunk-drunk with the fam.
For most of us, the second we cross over into the world of college, our parents are cool with us drinking, whether we’re twenty-one or not. And so, as we get ready to enjoy the perks of dad’s credit card and phenomenal wine selection, we must move forward with caution. Here are a few things to remember when getting drunk with your family so you don’t end up looking like a raging asshole.
Don’t Be The Drunkest
This should go without saying, but because I don’t trust you people I’m going to say it anyways. Never be the drunkest one there. This gives your family the opportunity to make fun of you, and/or hold it against you. Think of them as the “standards” in a non-Greek world. In any situation, make sure that you have an alcoholic grandma or needy aunt who is willing to down two drinks to your one. As long as you’re not the most wasted, you’re in the clear.
Put The Attention On Other People
The worst part about being around family for an extended period of time is that they pay attention to you. Which is fine, in doses. But they’re bound to ask probing question that you really don’t want to answer. Things like: “Are you seeing anyone? Have you thought about what you want to do after college? How are your grades?” These questions when sober are horrible. When drunk? They’re impossible. Keep the conversation on other people. Ask about their hobbies, their hip replacements, and their cats, and keep your “C” grades and fuckboy problems to yourself.
If You Start To Cry, Blame It On Grandma’s Death
Or the dog’s death. Or someone’s death. The first sign of not being able to handle your alcohol is crying. So if you start to feel yourself tear up, have a backstory. As soon as someone asks you what’s wrong, you can go into detail about how sad you are the Gam Gam is no longer with us. You’ll look like a sweetheart instead of the sloshed girl who’s upset that her sort-of-boyfrined hasn’t text her back in an hour. Trust me, it’s what Grams would have wanted.
Pace yourself. Don’t be heavy on the pours until everyone else is heavy on the pours. Fly under the radar and sneak to the bathroom to chug your drink if need be. You have the stamina of a frat guy, not to mention the fact that you can pound back drinks like it’s your job and still be coherent enough to study for a final and go to an 8 a.m. spin class. Now is your time to shine.
Drink With Different People
If you’re sitting at home drinking a bottle a night (as you usually do), your family is going to give you the side eye and possibly check you into some sort of rehabilitation clinic. If you plan to drink your way though break, do it with different people. One night with your parents. The next night with your high school friends. The next with your old dance team, and then the next with the elderly in the nursing home. Spread it out, and they’ll be none the wiser.
Put Down Your Phone
Phones cause problems. You’re going to drunk text your high school ex. You’re going to try to take a sexual selfie at the dinner table while seated next to your childhood minister. I know it’s important to keep tabs on that bitch you hate. But if you’re getting shitty with the fam, try to keep the phone checking to a minimum. This will stop then from asking to see your pictures (which would be hell), or questioning you about who you’re texting with the weird smile on your face. Both are bad.
Before you know it you’ll be back at school, where the liquor is shitty and the drinks aren’t purchased by dad. So enjoy it. Order the good beer, ask your mom what wine she suggests, and use this as an opportunity to actually spend time with your family. Who knows? Maybe if you get them drunk enough mom will finally tell you about her high school boyfriend, and dad will agree to raise your wedding budget up by a few decimals. And when it all comes down to it, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?.