In life there are moments that will follow you to the end of your days. It’s up to you to decide if you want to look back at them in satisfaction or shame. But above all, there’s the 100 percent guarantee that you will always regret being a little bitch at the most unnecessary of times. For clarification’s sake, there’s a difference between being a bitch and a little bitch. And for everyone’s sake? Don’t be either. It’s time to put on your big girl pants or get out.
1. Before Sex.
It’s a modern Tinderella story. It’s late, you’re horny, and there’s the subtle but present understanding that before the night is over, you’re going to be doing the nasty with what’s his face. In these situations, don’t delude yourself into thinking that it’s going to be anything more than two people humping each other’s brains out. He’s not your boyfriend. He’s not even your friend. This isn’t The Notebook and it’s his dick that he’s going to be whipping out, not a banquet of roses.
2. During Sex.
If you don’t like something, say something. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable with both, or all, parties. Don’t just say there and take his shit if you don’t like it. If you’re mature to be having sex, you’re mature enough to respect yourself by being a big girl. Say what you want, admit what you don’t and get the orgasms, and the good time, that you deserve.
3. After Sex.
Unless there’s the explicit understanding of something more, get the fuck out. The chances of a hook up proposing a long-term relationship in the glow of your lovemaking are slim to none. You know this. They know this. Stop lingering and take Amber Rose’s cue by walking out with your head held up high.
4. Anywhere With Alcohol.
Frat houses are disgusting because drunk people are disgusting. Same with bars, clubs, and anything involving the likelihood of grinding and vodka. The floors are going to be sticky, people are going to fall on you, drinks will be spilled down your new dress. Your friend might be a bitch and they might not have your alcohol preference. Get over it or change it. No one likes a whiny drunk.
5. At A Pregame.
The only thing more annoying than lightweights taking back shots like they’re going out of style are lightweights who don’t know their limit. We get it, you don’t want to be the wuss in the group. Unfortunately, it’s even worse to be the girl throwing up within the first hour because she took one too many sips of UV. Do us a favor and don’t be the chick everyone has to be taking care of the entire night. Sip on a drink, stop when you’re at that point, and handle yourself well. Nothing ruins a pregame like not being able to go to the main event.
6) Through A Breakup.
Romance sucks. Feelings suck. Breakups definitely suck. But 100 days into your post-relationship blues and it’s time to cut the shit on the Adele music. You’re young and thriving — love will come around again. No one likes an emotional, weepy girl who drunk dials her ex-boyfriend every time she goes out. It’s time to block his Facebook, delete his Snapchat, and move the eff on.
7. During Recruitment.
By the end of rush, everyone and everything hurts. Your face from smiling, your throat from chatting, your feet from running, etc. But there are at least a hundred other girls going through the same thing and it only lasts five days. I know it’s hot. I know you’re emotional. I know you just want to complain about it to get some attention. But whining about recruitment isn’t special and it isn’t cute. So toughen up or drop out. No one’s forcing you to rush.
8. In life.
Pro-tip: if your entire existence is a pity party, no one is RSVPing..
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