A 5 Point Guide To Theme Parties (Less Ass, More Sass)

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Nice Move

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“In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” I might have missed this mass text, but when did every weekend turn into Halloween?

In addition to the amount of blurred things in our vision, the line that tells us if we are acting too slutty seems to have been blurred as well. It’s about time that line was given more definition, if only to avoid the stress of wondering “am I going to be called into standards for this outfit? This was not a good day for my slippery nipple to start acting up again.”

The anxiety that is not knowing what to wear out is a nearly daily struggle, and the stress somehow increases when there is a theme involved. OH GOD! NARROWING DOWN THE OPTIONS HAS ONLY FOCUSED THE STRESS!

Granted, some theme parties make it easy to look good without being one of those girls who shows up questionably (see also: barely) dressed. Of course, those girls are going to be showing up practically naked no matter what, even if the theme is “Eskimos: No Seriously, Wear a Parka.”

Here’s a few quick rules that, if you’re not following, you’re definitely being talked about:

1. If there is a garter involved in your outfit, re-evaluate your outfit choice, and possibly life.

2. If it is obvious you’re wearing a push-up bra then change your bra/shirt. The fraternity isn’t throwing a stripper themed party. When they want strippers they just ORDER STRIPPERS.

3. If wearing a tankini would cover more skin than is being presently covered by your outfit then you need to redress yourself immediately.

4. If you are expected to dress like an animal, (bunny/cat/etc.) find a way to do it without looking like a Disney character had a baby with a burlesque dancer.

5. If people are staring at you, don’t take it as a compliment; it is rare that people have nice thoughts, at least not while drinking anyway.

Why are these rules so important? Because you look like a slut and I don’t want you to. Not out of insecurity or jealously, but because I want you to know that if you’re hot enough to rock that out scant outfit, then you’re hot enough to get a guy’s attention no matter what. And if your body isn’t suited to don one of the aforementioned skimpy getups then for the love of God do everyone, even the guys, a favor and cover up.

Many themed frat parties are designed for the sole purpose of getting girls to show up practically naked. Well played boys. We’ve all been there before. It’s easy to say, “I don’t want Matt Frat looking at Sally Slut instead of me so I need to dress like that too.” No, you do not need to dress like a baby hooker unless your only goal is to go home with him, which, in that case, you have plenty of other opportunities to be naked without doing so at the expense of your public reputation. The boy isn’t going to care what you’re barely wearing if he knows for certain that you definitely won’t be wearing anything later. Seriously, guarantee him sex and then show up in an outfit you literally stole from his mom, see if he cares.

So what’s the best way to get a guy’s attention without dressing in a manner that will put your father into an early grave and then make him roll over in said grave? Humor, intelligence, and wit of course!

Men won’t admit it, but they go crazy over a girl who can outsmart them at their own game. Better yet, there’s nothing more irresistible to a guy than something he perceivably can’t have. Plus, it’s quite empowering to kill two birds with one stone, or in this case, throwing two stones at the same bird. Admittedly that sounds sadistic, but that’s just because it is. If these men want a game, then it is a game they shall have, and a game they shall lose.

Let’s use a “pajama party” theme as an example. When girls are strutting around in full on lingerie, it loses its sex appeal, because everyone is wearing it. You’re driving down the price! If you do that, boys will barely notice you and the way you look. As far as they’ll be concerned there will be a hundred easy targets to take home. Girls, on the other hand, will notice that you look slutty and use it as ammunition against your sorority.

So what’s the solution? Be funny. Be cute. Your better choice would be to wear some kind of funny pajamas or a robe, but still find a way to look good in it. You don’t have to dress like a grandma. If you do this you will look good without trying too hard, and guys will notice that. You will automatically become the fun girl to talk to and the girl that makes the other girls feel stupid. Is there honestly any better than that feeling? That feeling, by the way, is total victory. So no, there isn’t.

This being said, let’s add on a Rule 6: If you’re not funny, pretend you are. Take this advice for all theme parties. If you really don’t know what to do for a specific theme, think to yourself “How can I get positive attention and still look good?” If you can’t find an answer to this then find someone who can and take notes. Luckily you have a house full of sisters with whom to consult. Oh, and maybe don’t dress racist.

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