A Beginner’s Guide To Becoming A Party Thief


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Nice Move


My alarm sounded, waking me from my drunken stupor. I sat up reluctantly and opened the blinds, taking in the tragedy that was my room. My clothes sat in a wrinkled pile in the corner, my pillow was stained with makeup, and my desk was littered with red cups from the pregame. I reached over to grab my ringing phone and water bottle when I saw it: a huge bag of almonds inexplicably sitting on top of my dresser.

Slowly but surely, the events of the previous night came flooding back to me. After hours of party-hopping, I had found myself in the sparse kitchen of an unfamiliar apartment. Desperate for any food whatsoever, I searched through the beer-filled fridge without luck. Just when I was about to give up on my conquest for food, my eyes landed on my personal holy grail of drunk snacks. The almonds. Sitting nonchalantly in the middle of the otherwise barren counter was a bag of cinnamon sugar beauties. I glanced around, grabbed the bag, and waltzed out the back door without regret. Do I wish I hadn’t done it? Not a chance. By this point in my life, I’ve developed a unique skill set. I’m a party thief. And with these tips and some practice, you can be one too.

Set Your Goals Low

Because you are in the novice stages of theft, it’s important you set your goals low. Going straight for the fraternity composite would be akin to a freshman chugging Everclear: sad and destined to end in jail time. The overall key of stealing is to take something that they won’t even miss. Prime opportunities include food, coffee, decorations, shampoo, and other things that guys don’t use. If the hostess is a girl, just leave. She’ll notice if you take so much as an extra tampon, and then she’ll accuse you of trying to steal her boyfriend, too.

Remain Incognito

Once you have secured your item, it’s crucial that you make a quick escape. You have two options: conceal it under a piece of clothing or stash it outside to retrieve later. Throughout my entire life, I hated my big boobs. But now they are (literally) my biggest asset. If the item, such as the almonds, is small enough to conceal under your shirt or between your boobs, go for it. The second option is riskier, as you chance having another thief steal your prize from your hiding spot. Depending on the situation, you may even want to have a trusted accomplice waiting outside to receive the contraband, as would be the case with frat hounds or any high-ticket item.

Don’t Ruin Lives

The unspoken rule of social events is that anything that is left out in the open is fair game. I mean, if you are willingly inviting hundreds of drunkards into your house, you should probably hide that antique vase and those designer shoes. That being said, you should still use common sense if your host failed to use his. The photo of his family on the wall? Soft pass. But that bag of Cheetos and ball cap tossed carelessly on the fridge? Game. On.

Stay Cool

The final component of pulling off a party heist is the ability to remain cool. You will get caught by someone, even if it is just your skeptical cab-driver. I mean, of course, I brought this bag of almonds to the party! Why wouldn’t I have? I’m actually on a vodka-almond cleanse right now. Oh, and this Montana refrigerator magnet? It’s my lucky charm – I don’t go anywhere without it, especially not a party!

There you have it, ladies. Now, go forth and practice. Soon you’ll be able to walk out the door with a fraternity composite and no one will be the wiser.

PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at PSLandPearlsTSM@gmail.com (note the single PSL).

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