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A Beginner’s Guide To Watching Porn

Porn

Maybe you’re getting bored with your usual “Chris Pratt saves me from a raptor attack and goes down on me for hours before leaving his wife (sorry Anna) and marrying me” fantasy. Maybe a racy scene in a movie made you feel some kind of way. Maybe you’ve just been wondering and you’re ready to take the leap. Whatever it is that brought you here, welcome. Welcome to the world of porn.

Scary in theory and somewhat controversial, watching porn is just about as basic as it gets. There’s a reason sex scenes are put in every movie with a PG rating and above — it just feels good to watch other people go at it. But the truth is, you have no idea where to start. Never fear! I’m here to guide you and your vagina to lusher, more orgasm filled pastures.

Figure Out What You Like

In a world where you *think* you only like hot dogs, it might turn out that you also like hamburgers. Or chicken wings. Or lesbian porn. Figuring out what you like can be weird, but it’s the only way to ~live your most true life~ and isn’t that what you preach about on Instagram? Instead of just assuming you like candles lit, Liam Hemsworth porn (the style. Not him specifically. We could all get behind Hemsworth porn), see what else is out there, and what gets the juices flowing. Literally.

No, But Like Really Figure Out What You Like

I know I know. “But I’m straight! I just want him to *make love* to her!” Sure. Okay. I get it. But let’s cut the shit for a second and really think — there are so many things out there. So many. And the types of porn match them. Do stories like Fifty Shades of Grey get to you? Did you feel curiously turned on during that scene (you know the one) in Black Swan? Does the idea of a threesome send shivers down your attention-loving spine, or do things like costumes, role play, or being called a “slut” do it for you? If you’re still at a loss, using an app like Undercovers can help you, well, uncover some of the kinky things you never realized you were attracted to.

~Explore~ Your Mind

This is the hardest part because it’s all about being honest. Lame, right? Where does your mind wander when someone’s about to go down on you? What does your alcohol subconscious say when you’re on the prowl? Do you want to be spanked by your boyfriend, caressed by your best girl friend, or be yelled at by a stranger? Maybe someone’s hand does it, maybe it’s an ethnicity, maybe it’s a specific act. Instead of shying away from it, search the shit out of it and use it. There’s no shame in porn. And if you still don’t know, watch a little bit of everything. If you don’t like it there’s that little red “x” in the corner and one more thing to cross off your list.

Ask Your Friends

This can seem weird if you’re in an uptight friend group. If that’s the case, find some new friends. One of the best parts of wine night is laughing and gossiping about every single detail of your sex lives. If you’re not doing that, you have the wrong pals. Ask them what they like, where they look it up, what their favorite scenes are. Chances are at least one girl is pulling up dirty sites in the evening. You’d be surprised how many suggestions you can get after a bottle of pinot and an open laptop.

Ask Your Boyfriend

“My boyfriend doesn’t watch porn.” First of all, no. You’re wrong. Second of all, well, you’re wrong. Most guys watch porn. I want to say all of them do, but there are a few weirdos outliers so whatever. Chances are, he watches naughty little films. Before you get mad, consider using it to your advantage. He’s most likely been researching this shit since he was 13. Ask him to show you some stuff you might like, and consider watching it together. Nothing brings a couple closer than watching a fake couple on the internet bone each other.

But Take Suggestions With A Grain Of Salt

Maybe your friend is much straighter than you are. Or maybe she’s into vanilla stuff and you want something dirtier. And as for male suggestions? A lot of porn is geared for guys. Think anal, blow jays, and *gasp* money shots. If you like those things your boyfriend probably has a whole treasure chest of films for you. If not, try to keep things geared towards your personal preferences. There isn’t a right or wrong here. Just things that turn you on and things that make you want to swear off sex forever.

Look Around

There are tons of places to find porn, and not all of them will make you feel like you need to have a priest host an exorcism on you. But the only downside is that while watching porn won’t give you an STD, it might give your computer one. Or a virus, that is. Stick to classics like Pornhub, or go to some of the sites that are geared 100 percent towards women. These tend to be a little more foreplay focused and a little less “p” in the “v” focused, plus most of them aren’t sketchy enough to ruin your computer. As long as it won’t blow up your motherboard, don’t be afraid to click on something that seems weird. You’re watching porn. Check your insecurities and get the lube out.

Watch It. Watch All Of It

The only way to find out if you’ll like it is by pulling out your laptop and your vibrator and getting to work. Watch things that you’ve never considered and give everything a try. What if you lived your life without the joy of finding the thing that turns you on most in the world? What if you died without realizing you have a BDSM fetish? What if your sex life sucks? Forever? You can find the answer to all of these problems from the comfort of your couch. YOUR COUCH people. It’s like it was made for us.

Specific Things To Look Up

Try using keywords like “passionate” or “seductive.” Watch threesomes (they usually have more foreplay). Watch lesbian porn. Go for the big group scenes or the ones with decent production value. These are usually good starting points and the ones most girls gravitate towards. Google now, thank me later.

Like What You Like

After all of your exploring and clicking and “ew”ing and touching, you’ve found it. The good stuff. The stuff that’s takes you from zero to horny in a second and gets you in the mood every time. Whatever it is, enjoy it. Not everyone is going to like the same thing (hence the wide varieties of options). But finding what you like gives you power and with great power comes great orgasms, or something like that.

Own it. Use it. And wash your hands after. Welcome to the world of porn. It’s going to be a ~wind~ non-missionary ride.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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