A Eulogy For My Missing Phone


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I’m sorry things had to end like this. I’m sorry we had to go our separate ways. It wasn’t you, it was me. It was all me. I guess I never really appreciated how special you were until you were gone. I’m talking to you: my missing phone, wallet, keys, bra, earring, or anything else I lost while drunk.

Life gets hard and sometimes you have to leave the things you need the most behind. Like the time when the cute frat boy asked me to play beer pong, and I forgot that you even existed. Or when I went to get pizza, and it’s greasy goodness left me distracted. Drunk me is so stupid sometimes, you know that. But there’s no excuse for my carelessness. I can’t begin to apologize. I just wish I had one more chance to hold you close and never let you go.

Don’t you dare say I gave up trying. As soon as I realized the error of my ways, I tried tirelessly to make you mine again. I posted to social media, and informed all my friends of your disappearance. My friends ridiculed me for being so foolish to just abandon you like that. And I took their mockery, because I knew I was wrong. As much as I tried to fix things, the damage was already done. I even texted the guy I awkwardly hooked up with that night to see if he knew your whereabouts. Sadly, all my efforts never led me to you.

You were an integral part of my life, and your presence is missed greatly. My parents demanded how I could’ve lost something so important. I couldn’t even force myself to tell them the truth, mostly because it centered around drinking, but still. Life just isn’t the same without you. You had such an important role and now there’s just an emptiness. I’m sure you’ve heard I found a replacement, but that was a last resort. And trust me, I still want you back.

I can only hope you’re doing well, wherever you are. They say everything happens for a reason, but I can’t imagine the reason behind this. I can only hope the corner of the frat house is the place you feel most content. Or the person who decided to take you as their own is treating you better than I ever would have, and hopefully they’re less of a sloppy drunk than I am.

On an average day you can find me awkwardly asking to pet dogs, searching through frat houses to find my missing wallet, and sending apology texts to the innocent victims from the evening before. Still navigating my way through undergrad life, and enjoying every drunken and confusing second of it. email me at : drunkandconfused@gmail.com if you have any breaking news/funny stories or if you want to fill me in as to what I did last night...

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