Yes, ladies, I did it. Somehow, my combination of gypsy magic and oral sex landed me a big, fat rock attached to a diamond-encrusted band of commitment. Want to know how I pulled off the most desirable thing in a young woman’s life (you know, right after higher degrees and careers and silly stuff like that)? Well, you’re in luck because I’ve fashioned a completely foolproof* guide to getting engaged. I’d say “you’re welcome,” but I feel like telling people I’m engaged via the Internet was enough arrogance for one day.
1. Set low expectations.
Just as not every woman is beautiful, not every man can be a 6’3” Abercrombie model. Not every guy can have ripped abs, a sturdy jawline, and a sexy, raspy voice. Not every boy can be the perfect combination of deep, blue eyes and 5 o’clock shadow playing his guitar for you under a moonlit sky. In short, he’s not going to be perfect. If you’re a 7, don’t go chasing after 10s. That’s just not how the ecosystem continues to thrive.
2. Be a “guy’s girl.”
The funny thing about guys is that they want to date, and eventually marry, girls that basically act like guys. The only difference is boobs and ass. All you have to do is think about what a girl would do and do the exact opposite. This goes for double texting, wine crying, bitching about your friends, excessive use of the word “like,” refusing to drink beer, and playing Justin Bieber songs at parties. The best stereotypes to model yourself after include the preacher’s daughter (the rebellious kind, not the sex-is-the-devil kind), the sexy librarian, and one of those rich and famous girls that’s strikingly down-to-earth and funny. See also: Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence.
3. Give good blow jobs.
Guys like blow jobs. Use them sparingly, but not too sparingly.
4. Learn to put up with his shit.
Literally. It stinks so bad that you’ll want to barf every time you’re within a mile radius of his bathroom. Although you have an inkling that he somehow ingested a skunk that was hanging around a chili festival, you need to persevere. And buy a lot of bathroom spray. You’ll also have to put up with his other dumbass, boyish tendencies such as watching shows about people living in the “wilderness” of first world countries, getting “swole,” and wasting money on
shitwater beer when he should be saving for a damn diamond.
5. Drop a significant amount of hints.
After dating for awhile, you’ll know when the time is right. It’s a time when you’ve finally become confident that he can encounter your hormonal moments, burned dinners, and no makeup face while somehow maintaining a smile. When you are ready for this last step, feel free to trickle any of the following into your daily routine: leaving your Pinterest account open on the computer with your “The Ring” board up, “accidentally” walking past jewelry stores in the mall on date nights, talking about how crazy it is to think that your parents were already married at your age, and making sure he knows to ask dad first—just in case he was thinking about doing it soon. When you really want to give him a swift kick in the ring-buying rear, try whispering in his ear at his buddy’s wedding about how you “just can’t wait to be at that altar someday—like maybe next June.”
Hook. Line. Sinker.
*TSM is not responsible for any breakups that occur as a result of following this engagement regimen. Sorry ladies..