Social media is great for about a million reasons. You can stalk your boyfriend, you can stalk your not-quite boyfriend, you can waste hours of your life Pinning concepts to a board for a wedding you’ll more than likely never have, and I’m sure you can keep in touch with people you actually care about if you so desire. Social media not only keeps you in touch with your friends, but it’s a great way to keep tabs on your frenemies as well. You might be gone for the summer, but that bitch you secretly hate is still Instagramming her day drinking habits. Even though you’ve sort of moved on, your ex boyfriend is still writing lame-ass one-liners as his Facebook statuses. Social media and passive aggression pretty much go hand-in-hand. After all, you are behind a computer screen, aren’t you?
The rules of real life passive aggression are simple and universal. You find a way to make your feelings clear without being an outright cunt. Well, you can be a cunt, but you have to leave doubt to onlookers that your intentions might have been pure. Being passive aggressive on social media is no different, and there are a million ways to be the biggest bitch on the internet without actually having to be one.
1. Of course, there’s the passive aggressive “like” button. I enjoy using it in highly inappropriate situations. Recently, an ex of mine got married and I wasn’t invited to the wedding (shocking, I know). Could I have taken the high road and said some genuine words wishing the newlyweds well? Probably. Could I have been an adult and just ignored the situation? Yes. Both of those were viable, practical options, but neither was any fun. Instead, I made a point of “liking” every wedding picture I saw posted, just to say, “Listen bitch, I’m fully aware that you’re married, have fun with him and his small cock. Oh, and your ‘vintage’ gown looked like a stained doilie. Mazel Tov.” The “like” is key to saying, “fuck you” without having to type a word. It’s also a great idea to “like” when something terrible happens to someone. You know: “UGH! I BACKED MY CAR INTO MY NEIGHBOR’S MAILBOX AND DENTED IT!” Like.
2. Comments are trickier. You want to make a pointed remark, but you need to be witty enough that some idiots could think you were joking. I’ve made a lot of pseudo-nice but secretly evil comments, but I’ve finally deduced the best ways to hate somebody via Zuckerberg’s brainchild:
- “ha.” This works best after someone makes an attempt at humor. Don’t “like” the status, because that would imply you actually like it. Instead, a pointed, lowercase, monosyllabic acknowledgement that they’re not funny is perfect. Be sure to put a period at the end.
- “neat.” I love saying “neat” after someone shares some banal paragraph. Apparently, tl;dr is lost on most people, but “neat” works well because it lets someone know, “I’m being sarcastic about validating you, you fuck.” Give it a try.
Basically, using passive aggressive lower case letters and ending any one word phrase conveys your disinterest and disapproval all at once, so you’re both multitasking and being a huge bitch.
3. Picture use needs to be strategic. You need to post enough pictures that people won’t assume you’re some type of recluse, but be careful not to annoy people with your constant updates. If you’re trying to say “FUCK YOU” to your ex, you know you need to post a picture of you looking super hot and happy. If you’re trying to say “FUCK YOU” to your new boyfriend’s ex, you need to make sure the picture he posts of the two of you is ultra flattering. It’s more important that you look good in his profile picture than your own. Think about it. If you look incredible in the picture on his profile, all past love interests will see it and feel upset/bitter/jealous.
I have a love/hate/LOVE/addicted relationship with Twitter. I’m pretty much glued to the app, which you would know if you were following me. I love reading good Tweets, but, because I’m a narcissist, I enjoy the “interactions” tab even more. The concept of Twitter is pretty simple. You want to gain followers, and the easiest way to do so is by getting re-tweeted by one of your followers, so their followers follow you too. For this sole reason, I rarely give people the opportunity to increase their following with an RT. I passive-aggressively star fuck everyone as if their tweets are wealthy American business men and I’m a Thai hooker. I also make it a point not follow people I don’t like. It’s pretty simple over on the Twitter-verse.
I think the same rules apply on Instagram as on Facebook, but it’s difficult because most people get really fucking excited when they get enough likes on a photo. I’ve deduced the best way to passive aggressively fuck with someone on Instagram is by not acknowledging them at all. I know people sit on the edge of their seats waiting to get a few double taps on the latest picture of the margarita they just ‘grammed (#summer!), and you know it kills them when you upload a picture within the same time frame and don’t like their shitty camera phone skills in Kelvin. You can’t even be aggressive here, you just need to be passive, but trust me it works.
As someone who gets paid for being a bitch on the Internet, I think it’s important to realize you maintain a certain air of mystery that creates a cloud of doubt when you’re being terrible to people online. Until a sarcasm font is successfully created, you just need to leave people guessing as to whether you are really happy about their new engagement, or whether trying to hint their first marriage will last about as long as a goldfish’s attention span.