A Hilarious Non-Stoners Guide To 420


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420 Guide

Oh 420, the day that something happened in history and we all get hiiiigh.

For some of us, this is a much anticipated holiday filled with bongs, spliffs, joints, bowls, and an endless amount of pizza rolls. For others it’s a feared holiday in which we have to try to keep our shit together and pretend that we don’t feel like our faces are melting. So, for those who don’t “get down with the weed” often, I’ve come up with an easy guide for being cool on 420 because trust me, it’s not as easy as it looks.

Stop Looking At The Clock.
“Okay cool it’s 3:15. And I smoked this at like, 3:14. Which means that I only have like, some amount of time until I can use my legs again. I wonder if they still work? Do legs work if you don’t use them? Or do they just stop existing? Wait. When did I smoke this. A while ago right? What time is it? 3:17? When did I last look at the clock? At noon? Yesterday?”
I know. It seems like an hour since you last looked at the clock, but according to the laws of the universe, only moments have gone by. Sure, you want to figure out when this “I just got hit by a bus OMG why can’t I move my hands” feeling will wear off, but right now, the clock is not your friend. If anything, the clock is a giant enemy filled with lies, and should be avoided completely. You don’t need its negativity in your marijuana journey.

Brush Up On Your Lingo.
“I’m so crossfaded… bruh.”
Being “420 Friendly” means being down with the vocab. Figure out what a gravity bong is, aways inhale, and be sure to say things like “crossfaded,” “dope,” and “Pink Floyd is transcendent” often. If and when you can use your mouth, that is.

Don’t You Dare Make Eye Contact.
“He’s looking at me and smiling. Should I smile back? How? Do I pull my lips back, or is that more of a growl? Has his face always looked like that? His nose, is just so, flat. How can you live with such a flat nose? Can he even breathe? How does he breathe with an invisible nose? Wait. How long have I been looking at him?”
Your “causal” eye contact becomes “I’M GOING TO EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF” eye contact when you’re a high non-stoner. And LOL at making your face look normal. Your best best bet is to just dig a small hole, put your face in it, and stay in that safe little nook to avoid any and all social interactions.

Drink Every. Single. Drop. Of. Water.
“My mouth no longer produces saliva. That’s it. It’s officially stopped. RIP lubricated mouth.”
Sure, your mouth currently feels like it has dried peanut butter coating each and every crevice, but that’s all in your head. Sort of. Find the nearest Brita, pond, or small trench, and drink every single drop of H20 that you can find. Do it for your tastebuds, who wonder what they did to deserve this.

Everyone Doesn’t Hate You – You’re Just Being Paranoid.
“What are they talking about in there? Were they laughing at me? They must be making fun of how awkward my hands look right now. Should I change their position? How do you fold them? Fuck. I look dumb. They all know how dumb I look. Why are my fingers so stupid? Do they hate me because of my fingers? Or do they just hate my fingers? Wait. Do my fingers hate ME?”
I know it seems like everyone hates you right now, but considering the fact that they gave you weed, chances are they don’t. Or maybe they do, but whatever. This is not the time to address the issue. I mean, let’s be real, can you even use your tongue right now?

You’re Not Going To Pee Yourself.
“I have to pee. I think. Maybe. But how? How do I tell my legs to pick my body up and take me to the bathroom? What if I just pee myself? Have I already peed myself? Try to check without people noticing. Are my shorts wet? Or is that my hand? HOW DO YOU TELL IF THINGS ARE WET?”
You haven’t peed yourself, and chances are, you won’t. Now be cool and find the bathroom.

Eat All Of The Food.
“I feel like I’m hungry. But am I actually hungry or do I just think I’m hungry? I think I’m a vegetarian, but I really want a burger. And ribs. And an entire family of chickens fried and served on top of cake. Should I?”
Yes. We all know the only reason us non-stoners get high on 420 is to have an excuse to eat every carb-filled, chocolate-covered, fried piece of goodness we can get our hands on. Alcohol gives us one-night stands, but weed gives us one-night carboloads. Happy 420 and remember, just blame your new cellulite on the chronic.

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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