In light of recent events, it’s clear that you need a refresher on what is and what is not appropriate behavior. First off, if one more person is arrested or hospitalized WE WILL LOSE OUR FUCKING HOUSE. Lose.Our.House. Did you read that? Say it out loud. Repeat it three times. Write it down. Tattoo it on your fucking arm. Post it on the door of your favorite bar. Do whatever you have to do to make sure it sticks in your tiny little coked out brain. JUST DON’T FORGET IT. How fucking stupid all of you are is mind-blowing to me. Mind-blowing. How did you get into college!?
At first I tried to play nice and be vague in my e-mails. I didn’t want to embarrass you by calling out, but like whatever, that has now been shot to hell. If you’re stupid enough to do the following, fuck you, I’m calling you out by name. We are literally in so much trouble with the school it’s not even funny.
Jackie: I know you’re really sweet and you mean well, but it has become apparent that your dad donated a shit ton of money to get you in here. You are actually the dumbest person I have ever met, and not the laughable, ‘ha ha,’ sort of dumb, but the ‘Jesus fucking Christ, how do you function as a human being?’ sort of dumb. The fact that you, as a blonde, eighteen-year-old, white girl, thought you could get away with using an ID handed down by Kate from PC ’04 is absurd. SHE IS HALF KOREAN. She is also twenty-seven. Like, last I heard, she was married, with twins, living in some suburb of Atlanta. How the fuck did you even get her ID? I didn’t feel bad when you were arrested. I literally watched them put you in cuffs and I felt nothing. I sincerely hope that you never have children because the last thing we need is more stupid little assholes like you running around.
Sarah: Here’s the thing, 92% of the people in this chapter love a good line as much as the next girl, but there is a time and a place. The time is not during finals week, and the place is not on a fucking table in the library. I honestly have no words. You are so lucky your ass wasn’t thrown out of school. Also, the entire chapter knows you blew the dean.
Emily: I seriously love you so much, but like, it wouldn’t be fair for me to leave you out of this just because we’re best friends. Don’t be mad! But like, why the fuck did you tweet that you have the same drug dealer as LeAnn Rimes? First of all, our advisors follow you and they are not pleased. Second of all, no one fucking likes LeAnn Rimes.
Jayde: We all love to drink. We all drink entirely too much, but we do not all get hospitalized SIX times for drinking. How does that even happen? What the fuck are you drinking? Nail polish remover? Bleach? Like, I don’t understand. Also, you’re nineteen. I’m genuinely concerned you’re going to end up like Amy Winehouse. Go to rehab. Lose the four pounds that you need to. Come back knowing how to drink without getting fucking hospitalized. Seriously, it’s embarrassing.
Y’all need to get your shit together. Please take the summer as a time to reflect on how not to be so fucking mind-numbingly stupid. Also, STOP POSTING PICTURES OF COKE ONLINE. You’re all so dumb, it physically pains me.
That being said, I hope everyone has an amazing summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m literally crying right now because I will miss you all so much. Like, literally love you to pieces.
Oh, and seniors: SEE YOU AT ALUMNI WEEKEND!!!!!! Please don’t get fat.
LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!
R to R