A Message to the Newly Initiated Members

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Nice Move

Congratulations on your initiation to the best sorority on campus! After six not at all long weeks of “no drinking,” gifts and pampering, you endured our bizarre, cult-like, and downright creepy initiation process and you finally get to call our letters your own. Wear them with pride because you’ve done absolutely nothing to earn them. For whatever reason, we don’t haze. Lucky you. Your new member period was a walk in the park picking lilacs. Except for possibly a whipped cream licking contest with your pledge sisters and an embarrassing scavenger hunt assigned to you by your great great grandbig resulting in the “consequence” of snacks and adult beverages after it had been continuously reiterated “this is for FUN and if you feel uncomfortable at any time, please let one of us know!” You probably feel like you’re just about on top of the world right now, and you should. For the next four years you will be royalty on this campus. You will form lifelong friendships, and have VIP status at every fraternity function ever, but don’t get it twisted… you WILL earn your place in this chapter. There are a few unwritten rules you need to be aware of.

Every semester each sorority is required to attend a certain number of events and speakers to prove to pan-hel and the head of Greek affairs that we’re doing more than getting drunk and making out with fraternity men. We (the older sisters) don’t want to go to these boring events. 45 sisters at a given speaker is typically enough to get everyone off our backs. Conveniently, there are 53 of you, so 8 of you are allowed to have an exam the next day. This also goes for study hours. We are required to have a certain number of hours a week, and frankly, they’re a waste of my time. Get used to hearing the…suggestion that you should “volunteer” for any and all events. Here is the rationale: “You should WANT to go. We all did our part and honestly, I made my best friends on coffee dates before mandatory events when I was a new girl.”

You may have noticed, that at every mixer, and date function, there are several sober sisters and sober drivers. You may also have noticed that only one of those sisters is the president, and only one of them is the risk management chair. While this is a necessary precaution for the safety and reputation of the chapter, again… we, the older sisters, and we don’t want to do these things. Of course sororities have so much more to offer than raging, but I’ve already done my part in maintaining that tradition, so I’d like to get shitfaced with my best friends. Please make sure I don’t die, or embarrass myself or the chapter. Thanks.

Most importantly, we are all sisters, but there is a distinct pecking order. Is it annoying that the seniors are invincible? Yes. Are some of them on a power trip? Absolutely. But what you don’t understand is that this organization is the world to them. Don’t come in thinking you’re hot shit because you’ve been around for a month and a half. Don’t get an attitude because you were referred to as “that new girl” and don’t EVER back-sass an older girl. Not to be extreme, but you’ll speak when spoken to. You don’t know what’s best for the chapter, so don’t pretend you do.

With that said…congrats girl! We’re so glad to have you! Get ready for the time of your life!

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Nice Move

hot piece of TSM

Hot Piece (@VeronicaGrandex) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Hot Piece has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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    • 5
      awwdrey hepburn LBD

      Personally, I would not be so offended if this story is, infact, made up. Just saying.. Here’s the thing, sweetie, it doesn’t matter to me whether your dad was a janitor or not nor if your girlfriend broke up with you due to your “performance,” I’m just stating what I know. But hey, frat on……..

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 4
      The Piker

      Seeing as you have absolutely no idea what I look like, your opinion means less than that of your darkie little. Did you kill her yet to stop the passing of AIDS and Malaria to more innocent people? Also, you smell like the crusty poop that is surely stuck to Rosie O’Donnell’s ass hair.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 3
      TAU

      Looks like Awwdrey Hepburn won this won. Really?? PIKE?? Was nothing else available at your school or did you not get good bids?

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 2
      awwdrey hepburn LBD

      Here’s the funny thing, sweetie. I know EXACTLY who you are and have heard plenty about your little “incompetencies.” Talk about my Little all you want because believe me, she could not care less, especially knowing it was coming from you.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 2
      The Piker

      You are honestly the dumbest bitch in the world. I see you changed states from Texas to Tennessee. Why don’t you put where you go to school? I don’t even think you are in college. Also, please tell me where SVCC is, and what it stands for, if we once belonged to the same country club. Shouldn’t be too hard, two letters are already given to you. Also, if you weren’t such a fat retard who was named after some ugly Brit, you might realize that there were better things for you to be doing, like killing your chubby self and hanging your blackie.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 1
      awwdrey hepburn LBD

      I’ll just leave it at this, I know who you are. Plain and simple, darling. Go ahead and ramble on because frankly, it only embarrasses you. What you just spent minutes thinking about and typing up is not only NOT funny, but very disturbing..

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 1
      sorostitute_UT

      Please do kill Nancy she is a witch! Well glad you cleared that up for everyone. It does seem a little theatrical to give that many fucks about a random annonymous girl on a website. However, all of us that have been on this site since July should know you are one for wild exaggerations.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • 1
      awwdrey hepburn LBD

      Piker, I won’t give out your name and embarrass you, but I will do something even better, sweetie. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, when you and I USED to belong to the same country club. I won’t go into details as to why your family are no longer members, but I will point out that this “pussy ass bitch’s” daddy gaves yours a job at his firm, even if it was only as a janitor. I’m sorry you had to resort to public school, still trying to keep your long term girlfriend who later broke up with you because of your “lack of performance.” You are not in a fraternity, infact, and you did not go to a school out of state..unless you received a scholarship, which if that is the case, congratulations! If you’d like to continue this sweet, yet tragic story, I’d be more than glad to rewind to the “lack of performance” part and expand..something that was clearly impossible for you.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      The Piker

      No, I just hate that bitch. All her posts are catty and annoying and she acts like she knows things that she clearly cannot know. For example, where would a girl from Texas have ever met a kid from northern PA that goes to USC? Nowhere. She is a lying sack of cowshit, and I want to kill her. Also, I want to kill Nancy Pelosi and Awwdry’s black little. Thats all. Everyone else on TFM is fine with me.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      awwdrey hepburn LBD

      I love how you repeat the same insults over and over again..doesn’t quite make for a good argument. Also, I’m not sure where you got Texas from, sweetie. I only live in Tennessee because I go to Vandy. It has always been Tennessee. On a brighter note, Susquehanna Valley Country Club. Xoxo

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -1
      The Piker

      Also, if you are from MonroeT, which is the only reason you would join SusValley, you are living in a house that costs less than 250k, and your daddy is kinda poor.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -3
      The Piker

      Please enlighten all of TFM to my identity then. I would love to see how much you’ve stalked a student at the University of South Carolina, just to be able to call me ugly. You are just trying to save face, but what you really should be doing is killing yourself. Why has your blood not yet been spilled onto the floor of your second-rate apartment? Also, I am going to use your blood to make a vinaigrette and use it to make a delicious sandwich. Then I am going to hang your little from a tree, and whip her until blood pours from her back. Then I will collect a sample of it, and submit it to Johnson&Johnson for AIDS research.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -4
      The Piker

      If it will shut her up forever, yes, I will eat that bitch. It’ll be like eating a bad cut of prime rib though, since she’ll be like 90% fat. Better than her little though, who will likely give me mad cow disease, since she is of the African variety.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -4
      The Piker

      Actually guys, I had class. But this is the most retarded, made up story ever. First of all, you all know I spent my whole summer at work, from 8 to 4pm, on here. Would a janitor have constant access to a PC? Secondly, I am not from Texas. Thirdly, I still belong to SVCC, and I guarantee you that she does not, because she probably does not even know what SVCC stands for. My girlfriend goes to a school in Philadelphia, and if she had broken up with me, and we were not still together, it would be due to distance, being that our schools are about 500+miles apart, and not sexual performance. Lastly, I honestly think you do not go to college if you have that much time to come up with a pretend, elaborate backstory for a person you have never met. Your story arc is terrible, so you certainly haven’t passed any college english classes. Enjoy being a fat slut with a black little sister, you adopted whore.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -6
      sorostitute_UT

      What happened to you Piker? You used to be at least funny in your whitty and cutting comments. Now you are just downright rediculous. Plus her little doesn’t look like a “darkie” but rather overly tan like several sorority ladies. You have talked about how you were in a LDR with a sorority girl so did she break up with you or cheat on you? Is that why you are so rude now?

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
    • -6
      awwdrey hepburn LBD

      My gosh, did you just look that up online, dear? My granddaddy owns the country club and I’m more than sure you are aware of that. Please quit while you’re ahead. This is actually getting very pathetic on your part.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago
  1. -3
    JohnFratYatesSommers

    Get everything relating to TSM’s off this site. I don’t want to hear about your shitty female version of what we men hold dear. And I especially don’t want the TSM wall and columns distracting you from the task at hand: making a damn sandwich.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 3 years ago

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