You feel your phone vibrate in your purse, but it’s a different kind of vibration — nagging, almost. It’s telling you to clean out your purse and then maybe you could find your stupid phone faster. You finally locate it at the very bottom of your monogramed bag and see who’s calling you: your mother. Fuck. You rack your brain trying to recall the last time you talked. Last Tuesday? You should probably answer, but you know that if you do you’ll have to answer a few questions that you really don’t want to answer, like what you grades are (horrible, but you have a test coming up that you’re totally going to study for), how your weekend was (you threw up in the bushes outside a frat house, so not great) and of course, if you’re seeing anyone. Here’s a likely run-down of how that conversation will go down.
Your Mom: “What ever happened to that one guy you were seeing, Bradley or something? He seemed like a very nice boy.”
What You Say: “Things just didn’t work out. I think he’s seeing someone else now.”
What You Actually Mean: Brad? A nice boy? LOL. If I had to describe Brad, I would probably call him “Inconsiderate Ass Bag Frat Guy With A Below Average Dick And A Wildly Inflated Ego,” but sure, let’s go with nice. We were seeing each other for a few weeks (and by seeing I mean going home together three to four nights a week), until he thought it would be cool to sleep with someone else. Someone else in my sorority. Someone else who he lied to and told we were “just friends.” Sure, we hadn’t “defined the relationship” yet, but I thought we were getting close. I was sleeping over, after all. AND he made me breakfast one morning. It was cereal, but the thought was there. Of course, I found out that he slept with my sorority sister and confronted him about it during a party. Loudly. In front of 400 of our closest friends. So, yeah, needless to say, things didn’t work out.
Your Mom: “Aww. That’s his loss, baby girl. You’re such a catch, I’m sure the boys are all beating down your door! Have you started dating someone else?”
What You Say: “I have a few prospects, but no, nothing serious at the moment.”
What You Mean: They say the best way to get over someone is to get under five of his closest friends, right? No? That’s not the saying? Well, that’s what I’m doing. I’ve shown up to every party his fraternity has thrown since The Screaming Incident and have made sure that he sees me leave me with a different guy each time. Most of the time we just end up making out and fooling around a bit, but he doesn’t know that. He texted me three times last night while I was in his pledge brother’s room, so I think my evil plan is working. I don’t want him back. I’m not stupid. I just want him to want me back so I can deny him over and over again. Totally sane, right?
Your Mom: “Let me tell you something. All men, including your father, love the thrill of the chase. Your father asked me out three times before I said yes, and look at us now, married 25 years next month. You have to make him chase you, or else he’s going to lose interest.”
What You Say: “I know how to flirt, mom.”
What You Mean: I’ve been leading guys on since sophomore year of high school when I thought I was going to be virgin until marriage (LOL), I know about The Chase. Any games he can play, I can play better. I keep an entire of roster of guys that serve different purposes. Kenny from Brit Lit class? I made out with him at a party once and now he lends me his notes so I can skip class and sleep in on Fridays. Justin from Kappa Nu always hooks it up with the good liquor, and Kyle from Zeta Tau is oddly obsessed with me and will basically do whatever I ask him to. Trust me, mom, I got this.
Your Mom: “Your father and I were engaged when I was your age.”
What You Say: “But that was a different time!”
What You Mean: Sure, maybe in the 80s everyone was getting wifed up by 23, but in 2016 everyone my age is drinking cheap liquor and hooking up. There are people who find “true love” and get married young, but what’s the point? You have the rest of your life to get married, you only have four years (five if I don’t get my shit together bring my grades up soon) in college. I’ll find someone eventually, but I’m perfectly happy being a single woman out on the college town right now, thank you very much.
Your Mom: “Don’t you have that date function coming up with your sorority? Do you know who you’re taking?”
What You Say: “Yeah it’s still a few weeks away, I haven’t decided yet.”
What You Mean: I have three potential dates in mind. Prospect #1 is insanely hot and tall, which would mean we would get a ton of likes when I post the Instagram of us, but he’s so stupid I think my brain cells literally self-destruct every time he opens his mouth. Prospect #2 is the life of the party, which can be good and bad. Good because I know he’s capable of making this of the best sorority formals ever, and bad because there’s also a huge possibility that he’ll go too hard too fast and end up passed out in a chair halfway through the event. Prospect #3 is Brad, but that could either lead to crazy inner-sorority drama or the best revenge sex of my life. I’ll keep you updated, though.
Your Mom: “You know, I have a friend whose son goes to your school and he is just so handsome. I can call her and tell him to add you on The Facebook so you two can officially ‘meet!'”
What You Say: “That’s sweet, but I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”
What You Mean: Great, even my own mother thinks I’m a freaking charity case. I can find a man on my own, thank you very much. I’ve met your friends’ son and he’s a weird engineering nerd who has probably never even touched a boob before. I don’t think your friend wants me to corrupt her son, now, does she?
Your Mom: “I know what the kids these days are doing in college. It’s all swapping spit and hooking up. I need you to be honest with me: are you being safe?”
What You Say: “MOM. Of course. I’m not going to talk about this with you!”
What You Mean: I’ve been on birth control since I turned 18 — this isn’t my first rodeo. And of course I use condoms… I keep them in my roommates bedside drawer so when a guy comes over he thinks she’s the one who sleeps with enough guys to warrent keeping condoms in her bedside table, not me. I’m not an amateur.
Your Mom: “Good, baby girl. Anything else you want to tell me?”
What You Say: “Well, I am running a little low on money…”
What You Mean: Can you please put $100 in my checking account? Thanks, love ya. .