As it would appear, we begin thinking about getting ready for our nights out pretty early in the evening. By 6:00PM, the thought what are we doing tonight? has at least crossed my mind. Still, with all this time, I remain unable to make it out the door at a reasonable hour. Perhaps the illusion of having time is what makes me waste it. Either way, throughout college, my roommates and I went through the same process to get out the door, week after week, and never made an adjustment in hopes of hastening it. It usually went a little something like this:
6:00PM - Complain about being hungry. Make no sudden movements.
6:20PM - Have an unnecessarily long conversation about what to eat, because even what you eat is a group decision.
6:25PM - Rummage through the pantry because you “don’t want to spend money.”
6:32PM - Realize the only food you have is an onion, and decide to go out to eat “somewhere I don’t have to look cute.”
6:38PM - Prepare to go to dinner with your roommates wearing some variation of leggings, a rugby shirt, and UGGs, until one bitch decides to look decently cute.
6:42PM - Change into real-ish clothes, powder your face, apply eyeliner (and/or remove leftover eyeliner), and dry-shampoo the shit out of your hair.
6:57PM - Leave for dinner. Send the first series of “What’s the plan tonight” texts to ancillary friends.
8:15PM - Walk back from dinner, too stuffed to look at yourself naked, meaning you’re NOT ready to shower. Lounge around for a period of time.
8:17PM - Turn on E!, Bravo, TLC, or MTV.
8:18PM - Get sucked into a trashy reality TV black hole.
8:37PM - Prolong the getting ready process by sparking a “Who should shower first” discussion. Envy the girl who did something productive today, meaning all she needs to do is touch up her makeup.
8:42PM - Decide to get in the shower “as soon as this episode’s over.”
9:00PM - Get sucked into an extra episode of your Real Housewives marathon.
9:08PM - Give your most anal roommate a dirty look as she condescendingly tells you, “You really need to start getting ready.”
9:09PM - Quickly get over it when she says, “Don’t give me that look. I’ll make you a drink to take in there with you.”
9:12PM - Remember whilst you shower that you might see your boy tonight, and decide to shave as a precaution (even though, you know, that in being prepared, you are almost guaranteeing that you won’t end up with him tonight).
9:20PM - Curse thigh hairs for growing in so many different directions.
9:32PM - Realize you’ve been in there for too long when your roommates bang on the door and ask if you’re almost done.
9:36PM - Commence twenty minutes of “naked time.” Literally just do nothing but be naked.
9:56PM - Finalize plans with everyone you know.
10:00PM - Dry your hair. Laugh at what a mess it is before you’ve done anything else to it. Refuse to rush to tame it for the time being, because you’re a little bit drunk, and it’s a little bit funny.
10:16PM - Stare into your closet, and decide you hate everything you own.
10:21PM - Pick something out, try it on, hate it. Put your giant getting-ready shacker tee and teensy cotton shorts back on.
10:25PM - Ask “Why is there no music?” in the voice you use to pump people up. Put on party playlist. Obligatorily “Woo!”
10:26PM - Do your makeup. Finish your drink.
10:41PM - Have the following conversation:
-“Can you make me another drink?”
-“How many shots?”
-“Two…three. I don’t know. Two or three? I had three and a splash last time.”
-“Two and a splash.”
10:42PM - Run bare-ass to a roommate’s closet. See another butt or two in the hallway.
10:43PM - Try on no fewer than four outfits, destroying your formerly clean bedroom in the process. Come up with something to wear that is either comprised entirely of clothing that belongs to someone else, or put on the outfit you originally tried on and hated, deciding it’s actually pretty cute.
10:58PM - Get outfit approval from everyone in your apartment, none of whom care what you’re wearing because they’re focused on themselves. Proclaim “I need a necklace” to each of them until someone offers up a suitable piece of jewelry.
11:06PM - Complain about being fat (even though you know you’re not), while grabbing your least favorite body part.
11:07PM - Roll your eyes as your anal roommate shouts, “HURRY UP, WE’VE GOT TO GO!” because everyone else has congregated in a common room.
11:08PM - Come out of your bathroom and finish your hair where everyone’s sitting. Get lost in conversation.
11:21PM - Look at the time, realize you’re supposed to be there 20 minutes ago. Text the boys telling them you’re ready for them to come over.
11:22PM - Declare it picture time. Take a silly picture, a roommate picture, a standard picture, a huggy picture, a not-suitable-for-Facebook picture, and a fake candid dancing picture, each with every possible combination of people.
11:38PM - Take a shot for the road.
11:39PM - Engage in a conversation about whether or not to break the seal when someone mentions they need to pee. Ignore your type-A roommate as she freaks out because you need to leave.
11:41PM - Break the seal (with a buddy, because you’re drunk enough that you’d never consider peeing alone).
11:45PM - Throw your heads back and finish the last sip of your poorly concocted mixed drink.
11:47PM - Head out.
11:49PM - Check for phone, keys, and ID. Why you never do this before you leave is beyond you.
11:50PM - Head back because your roommate forgot her ID.
11:52PM - Leave for real.
12:01PM - Arrive at the bar, feeling proud of yourself for making it within an hour of the time you said you’d arrive, which is on time as far as you’re concerned.