Adam Levine Is Engaged (Spoiler Alert: Not To You)

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Nice Move

It’s hard to see the screen through my tears, but I’m doing it to bring you the devastating news that Adam Levine, one of the hottest men alive, is officially off the market. While I’m not a foreign supermodel, I still held out hope that one day Adam would realize he needs a nice Jewish girl to take home to mom (preferably one who actually speaks English). Sadly, now that day will never come (until his first divorce).

I think I expected Adam to be the Clooney of our generation, without the maybe-gay vibe. I figured he’d continue slamming supermodels until they became too old, so this really came as a bit of a shock. Levine’s marrying an Angel named Behati Prinsloo. I thought he was still single after he discontinued sexing his last supermodel, Anne Vyalitsyna (say it five times fast), but apparently, while I was too busy privately enjoying pictures of his privates, he moved on. If you need me, I’ll be furiously Googling pictures of him half-naked to console myself. Please don’t bother me unless it’s to let me know he’s already divorced.

Adam Levine, sooo hot. Want to touch the hiney.

I do have some questions. Will he celebrate by MOing his brand new baby wife shirtless, as he does in all of his masturbatory aids music videos? Asking for a friend. Does this mean he’ll never get it in with Christina? I secretly hoped she’d shed her chubs and predilection for Kate Middleton hats for him. Am I supposed to stop daydreaming about his bromance with Blake Shelton reaching the next level? I guess fan fiction is out.

While I can cope with most celebrities getting engaged or splitting up (other than Amy Poehler and Will Arnett — I maintain that was the day true love died), this Levine situash really has me sobbing into my vodka soda(s). I totally get why he’d want to penetrate the entire roster of the Victoria’s Secret Angels, but what’s the point of wife-ing one up? From watching his interviews, suffering through The Voice, and having dinner with his uncle one time, I’ve devised that Levine is not actually brain-dead, so why put a ring on it? Remaining single would expose him to much more variety (in fact, he’d already started tackling the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models while “on a break”), without tying on the old ball and chain. At the end of the day, I guess even rockstars have to take serious steps to stop their mothers’ nagging, sometimes.

[via US Magazine]

Image via Business Insider

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