America Has More Cheese Than It Knows What To Do With


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Cheese is an American staple. Eating cheese will fill your stomach with creamy goodness, fill your heart with love and cholesterol, and lock up your intestines for a few days. Spontaneously becoming lactose intolerant would be the worst thing to ever happen to me, and I used to have side bangs. Like heavy side bangs.

Cheese lovers can rejoice because according to a href=”″ target=”_blank”>Bloomberg, the US has the largest stockpile of cheese since 1984. It weighs 1.2 billion pounds. That’s like 200,000 elephants. I did the math. 600,000 pounds worth (100 elephants worth) of the stockpile is just American cheese, which is the second best cheese to make grilled cheese with (muenster is the first, of course).

The British are to blame, as usual. The EU has recently upped their cheese game, so what we would have sold to those buck-toothed wankers is now stuck in American soil. Which I can not say I’m bummed out about.

But with great cheese comes great responsibility. It’s only a matter of time before the marvelous stockpile becomes a moldy stink pile. I am calling upon the American people to help out the farmers who work so hard to provide you with pasteurized perfection. Their fridges are full and our bellies are empty, so the only logical and ethical thing to do is take those two concepts and 69 them.

So next time you are in the mood for drunk pizza, get two. America will thank you.

[via Bloomberg]

Image via Shutterstock

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to or by smoke signal.

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