There are a lot of really hard things about existing. You have to put on pants more times than you want to. All of the foods you love make you fat. And when you have the internal debate over which celebrities you’d hook up with and which ones you’d marry, it’s just really, really challenging.
Amy Schumer (remember her? The bitch we’re all all insanely obsessed with?) is no stranger to the obscure and over-the-top sexual fantasies was all have about hot guys. In GQ’s Men of the Year issue, Amy spoke for all of us and said everything we dream of doing with every guy we’ve dreamed of doing it with.
Tom Brady picks me up in a nice car. He says, “Get in,” and I do, and we drive fast. We are listening to some dogshit on the radio that he likes. Even in my fantasy, I can’t imagine he likes good music. I turn it down and say, “Hey, what happened where is your supermodel wife I thought we were all spending the day together?” and he pulls over and takes my hand and looks in my eyes and says: “I didn’t invite her because I wanted to be alone with you. Yes, she is beautiful and the mother of my children, but you are smart and funny and I’ve been waiting to have sex with someone with a real body, a real ass, who has lots of bad angles depending on the lighting, and I want to be with you and not that supermodel who does yoga on the beach a lot.” I sit silently for a few seconds. Then I get out of the car and apologize for what I have just done to the seat and I run down the highway screaming, “I knew it!
Or how about the POTUS?
Barack Obama and I are at a restaurant in New Orleans. I am eating alone when the waiter says, “Barack sent you this.” And it’s a glass of Lagavulin 16 year. My favorite scotch. I acknowledge with a nod and finish my meal. Like I’m the coolest bitch ever. We walk out without talking, and go to Preservation Hall and watch a bunch of different amazing jazz musicians. We smoke cigars and drink scotch and never say a word to each other.
Or Bradley Cooper?
Same. And all of the rest of her responses? Relatable AF.
Ugh. She just gets us..
Image via Youtube