Hello everyone, and welcome to orientation week! This is going to be one of the craziest, most exciting, and completely miserable weeks of your lives. The skills you learn here will impact you for the rest of your college careers – and maybe even your lives. For instance, did you know that you can get Plan B at the health center across the dining hall, saving you 18 years of paying child support and/or raising an actual human being? You’re welcome. So, pay close attention, hold your lanyards tight, and get ready for the best and worst four years of your lives.
Let’s start with the basics here. Welcome to the dining hall, also known as your second home. Here at college, we have a ton of options to help you fuel your alcoholic and sleep-deprived lifestyle. Over on the right, you’ll notice our salad bar, and to the left of that, you will see our highly acclaimed global cuisine station. Behind that sits our popular smoothie bar, perfect for the spring when you’ll decide you need to go on a juice cleanse to squeeze the tequila from your cells. Now that you’ve seen the staples, promptly forget everything I have just told you and direct your eyes to the station you’ll actually go to: fries and pizza. Don’t worry, though – I’ve heard grease and oil don’t catch up to you until you’re, like, 25.
Now we are moving on the the library, a place that you should at least know the name of, in case your parents ask where you are. Be sure to know the location of the bathrooms, as this will likely be a stop on your way home from a drunken rampage. They might yell at you for coming in just to pee, but it’s their fault for being the only building open past midnight that isn’t a bar or a fraternity house. Other than that, familiarize yourself with the name of your favorite coffee drink from the café, and consider becoming friendly with the employees as to avoid the lines. Find the comfiest chair in the building, even though you’ll only use it about twice per year. Finals, am I right?
I know a lot of you are thinking about rushing, so let’s take a quick peek at the Greek houses. If you don’t plan on rushing, there are still a ton of ways to get involved! I hear that the chess club throws killer(ish) parties. And the recycling club has t-shirts, I think? To the right you will see the pristine sorority houses, and those post-apocalyptic looking shitholes to the left are the fraternities. Going Greek is a great way to get involved, meet other people, help support charities, and get laid on the reg. Mark your calendars for recruitment!
Coming up on the left, you will see your home away from home for the coming year. Don’t be afraid of the mildew in the bathrooms or the mysterious stains on the walls. The freshmen dorms were just renovated, like, ten years ago, and are equipped with semi-functioning washing machines. They even have elevators, if you’re not afraid of risking a 50 percent chance of falling ten floors to your death. The severe, fluorescent lighting is good for Instagram photos, at least! Your floormates will also become some of your closest friends. Except for that bitch across the hall who will inevitably steal your boy toy. She can go fuck herself, but don’t worry – you have until May to get her back.
I hope you’ve all enjoyed your introduction to campus. As always, don’t feel free to contact me with any problems you have as you adjust to your new life here! Deal with your problems like a normal adult by pretending everything is fine even though you gained ten pounds in a month and your life is turning to shit. If you need me, I’ll be hiding under a table, drunk off my ass and leaving drunk voicemails for my mother. Enjoy college! .