An Ode To The Token Slutty Friend

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Nice Move

An Ode To The Token Slutty Friend

Girls hate sluts. Sluts are annoying, they’re over-rated and they steal people’s boyfriends. Sluts are the worst. Sluts are the contemporary equivalent to the WWII era Germans, because you can basically blame all of your problems on them without having to provide any further evidence that they’re the cause. All of this is common knowledge, and for good reason, of course. We’re genetically programmed (I think) to hate all sluts except for one: the slut in your group of friends. Much as any upper middle class suburban high school needs a token minority, every group of fun, hot girls needs the token slut. Why is she different from the sluts we hate? Because she’s your friend, and she plays by the rules of being a slut without making everyone hate you.

My first day on campus as a freshman, I was approached by a pretty girl named Nicole with really shiny brown hair in the courtyard of our dorm building. We were both avoiding our respective roommates. I was in the middle of BBM’ing one of my camp friends when I looked up to her standing in front of me asking to borrow a lighter. She was trying to curb her appetite with nicotine, because we all know dorm food is sick. Anyway, she and I got to talking about where she’d gone out the night prior, and she told me a story about a guy named Pete from her hometown. They’d been hooking up all summer, so she went to his frat house the night before to see him. As later proved to be a theme in Nicole’s love life for years to come, Pete was a complete dick. He made out with some other girl, at the party he invited Nicole to, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.

“What did you do!? I would have flipped out!” I asked my new, menthol-smoking friend.
“Well, he pissed me off, so I fucked his roommate,” she replied nonchalantly.

There it is.

I knew immediately this girl would be my best friend because 1) she had great clothes and I wouldn’t have minded sharing a wardrobe with her, and 2) she was fucking hilarious. Nicole quickly became the token drunk slut in our crew, and all of us loved her for it. It wasn’t uncommon that her whereabouts would be unknown until well into the afternoon the day after we went out partying, mainly because her phone would die sometime mid-shack. It happens. One time, she literally came back to the sorority house after a night of debauchery and announced she had left her bra and underwear at the frat we had been drinking at. I found this fantastic, because she was fully clothed. Apparently, she was eager to vacate the premises after her coital session and forgot about her undergarments. TSTC.

I’m sure some girls would have been leery of hanging out with someone so promiscuous. After all, she was a liability issue, but she is literally the best person on the planet. She embodies the vision of the rare, elusive, but oh-so-necessary right kind of slut, because she had the following traits:

1. She knew her limits.
This girl would literally sleep with ANYONE…unless it was a guy one of her friends is involved with. It didn’t matter if we had the slightest crush on a guy we’d never talked to, Nicole would have never tried to hook up with any of her friends’ guys. She strictly adhered to the Gretchen Weiners school of thought: “that’s like, [against] the rules of feminism!” to do so. Having a slutty friend is easy when you know she would never cause a problem in any of your relationships (real or imaginary).

2. She didn’t judge.
It’s hard to cast judgment when you’ve run a few laps around Greek Row, and a good slutty friend is an incredible ally when you’re not feeling great about yourself. All girls go through a slutty phase at some point, whether it’s post-breakup, post-initiation, or post-nose job. A lot of people are really fucking rude about the temporary period of sexual enlightenment, but the slutty friend is not. She typically encourages it, and never makes you feel bad about giving head on the formal bus and then leaving to go shack with a different guy.

3. She was a great self-esteem booster.
If you’re ever in the throes of an emotional hangover, the slutty friend is a great measure of comparison to use to stack your life up against.

“I can’t believe I’m such an idiot and had sex with my ex AGAIN last night,” I used to scold myself on shameful Sunday mornings.
“Yeah, well, we still don’t have a location on Nicole and she could literally be at one of the 26 frats on campus,” one of my friends would remind me.

That’s not shit-talking, because Nicole was always right there to use her own mistakes as a means of consolation too.

You’re all, “I feel like a terrible person for showing everyone my boobs on Spring Break. I think there are pictures.”
Then Nicole’s like, “There’s a fan in Delts that has a pair of my underwear hanging from each blade.”

See?

4. She was FUN.
No matter what you’re getting into, there’s a good chance the slutty friend is okay with it. She doesn’t really give a fuck what people think about her, which makes her the ultimate companion to go anywhere with. She loves to party, and would never give you grief for making terrible decisions. Most guys love a slutty friend scenario, and will always approve when you bring her along with you because there’s a good chance one of his buddies will like her. If you’re ever unclear as to who to bring to the bar to meet the new guy you’re talking to, your slutty friend is always the most viable option. Plus, her stories are hilarious, and she’s never too ashamed to share any of them, so she makes an excellent dinner party guest.

When it comes down to it, being a slut isn’t terrible, as long as you know that all ex-boyfriends, future potential boyfriends, and out-of-everyone’s-league crushes are off limits. As long as you can remember to put your girl friends first, there are worse things you can do than have a lot of random sex in college.

Addendum: it’s worth having a slutty friend around, if for no other reason, to ensure you won’t be the very last person in your pledge class to get married. Just a thought.

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