An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

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Nice Move

An Open Letter To Angelina Jolie

Dear Titless McGee,

I hate you. Okay, I just had to get that off my chest, much like you had to take your natural boobs off of yours. No, I don’t hate you because of any latent jealousy issues. I don’t hate you because I think you’re a terrible actress. I don’t hate you for how obviously fake you are. I hate you because you’re a homewrecking slut who may or may not practice witchcraft, which is the only logical explanation I can surmise as to how you’ve tricked a large percentage of the population into believeing you’re a decent human being.

Let’s take a look at your life and your choices. You grew up a spoiled, rebellious rich girl with a troubled, drug abusing past. You once made out with your brother. You married a man named Billy Bob, wore his blood in a vial around your neck, and got his name tattooed on your arm.

One day, you made a movie called Mr. and Mrs. Smith in which you acted alongside Brad Pitt, who, at the time, was married to the oh-so-perfect Jennifer Aniston. You then slept with a married man. I don’t know whether or not their marriage was on the rocks before that, but Brad pulled the ultimate dick move and cheated on his wife…with you. Instead of publicly apologizing for being a terrible human being, you vehemently denied your adulterous acts. You’re a liar and a slut.

I understand you’ve tried to clean up your act and have become a world citizen (read: travel to third-world countries for photo ops). You’ve basically become a hoarder of ethnic children. Most people settle for shotglasses and snow globes as vacation souvenirs, but you’ve decided to settle for miniature people. I’m not entirely sure how many misfit foreigners are in your brood, but I know you gave most of them terrible names. You try to play yourself off as mother of the year, but we all know a nanny is taking care of your children about 94% of the time.

While all of this is reason enough to hate you, I’d like to direct my anger towards your most recent action: your double mastectomy. Your self-importance has hit astounding new lows.

Listen, Ange, breast cancer is no joke. It’s a terrifying disease that tears families apart and claims millions of victims every year. Double mastectomies are not uncommon operations for women suffering from the disease in an attempt to eradicate the cancer. You literally suck for preemptively having one and putting yourself in the spotlight because of it. I think it’s bullshit people are praising you for this. You’re not “brave” or “courageous.” You got your boobs removed, and then got implants. Congratulations. You used breast cancer as an excuse to stuff yourself with silicone, because you’re “at risk.”

Newsflash: LITERALLY EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD IS AT RISK FOR BREAST CANCER. You didn’t do this to “raise awareness,” you did it so you wouldn’t be judged for getting cosmetic surgery. Instead of just going under the knife like every other almost 40-year-old celebrity, you had to do so under the guise of some huge social statement. I might find your effort a little more credible if you hadn’t immediately replaced your boobs with a set of fake ones, which, by the way, also pose plenty of risks.

I also think it’s pretty convenient this decision occurred a few months before your upcoming wedding. I’m sure you were only concerned with your well-being, and not at all with how your rack would look in a wedding gown. I’m so sure.

It’s 2013. It’s only semi-controversial when celebrities get boob jobs. Britney had one. Lindsay had one. Kate Hudson had one. They’re not a big deal. If you wanted a little nip and tuck, you could have said so. You don’t need to act as if you’re becoming some martyr for the people by cutting your tits out and upgrading to a bigger, newer model.

Angelina, literally nobody gives a fuck if you get a boob job. I know you like to see yourself as the sluttier, trashier second-coming of Mother Theresa, but you’re not. You’re actually ridiculous for trying to trick people into believing you were afflicted with a terrible disease when you were only “at risk” for it. Are you suggesting everyone remove their skin and get a new layer because they could be at risk for skin cancer?

Your “struggle” isn’t a struggle at all. You spent a few days in a hospital bed recovering from a surgery that some girl on Teen Mom has had. How dare you compare it to the actual struggle women who go through chemotherapy and other methods of cancer treatment endure?

I still maintain you’re the worst human being in the world. Your engagement ring is ugly, your kids have stupid names, and you got the ugly version of Brad Pitt. Jennifer Aniston for the win.

Pearls

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