‘Bachelorette’ Chad’s Match.com Profile Is Nothing Short Of Incredible


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Nice Move

Chad Johnson

Chad is like no other human that I have had the pleasure to observe. His entire being looks genetically modified to perfection, and his completely monotone voice spews emotionless facts that he tries to pass off as feelings. I’m not really sure he is a human. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s a robot. Once I saw his Match.com profile, I was convinced.

Chad match.com

His profile picture looks exactly like what would pop up when you google “hot guy.” That’s probably how his programmer decided to make him like this. Facial hair that is scruffy but not scraggly, check. A smirk of mystery, check. Thumbs in pockets and lean that shows he’s a super chill guy, check. A button up that means business, but jeans that mean pleasure, check. This picture doesn’t even show his smooth, sculpted body that is fueled entirely by slices of meat and whiskey.

Chad match.com

He is 28 in the show and is 26 on his profile, so he must have been programmed to have a sense of time. That was a good call. What troubles me most is his unnatural vernacular. There are no contractions, and there are a lot of short sentences separated but commas. He enjoys spending time “doing what he wants” and I don’t think I know anyone who enjoys doing what they don’t want. His vague description of activities tells me that he doesn’t have the capacity to enjoy doing anything. He wants to own “multiple business” (incorrect, but so close) that are “self contained, self running” (just like him). He wants a fit, beautiful woman “to date” as if there is anything else that he would use the site for. Even though he said that he would be friends with the uggos, I doubt that he is capable of friendship.

Chad match.com

He’s a LEO. Finally we’re getting to the good stuff. Everyone knows LEO stands for Lifelike Engineered Organism. He straight up says that he’s a robot. He’s “searching for more knowledge about this life” because the way he becomes more human-like is by adopting the patterns of other humans. He then fills in more vague things that seem favorable to humans, restaurants, bars and clubs, food, drinks, but his downfall is saying books are one of his favorite things. Who even reads anymore?

Chad match.com

He references again how he is self taught, and insists that he dreams. He’s not fooling anyone. Robots don’t sleep, let alone dream. He has “great genes,” and by that he means he was programmed well.

Chad match.com

He has strong beliefs, but can only comprehend what is proven. Robots can’t conceptualize abstract thought. He was raised by an entrepreneur, but left his laboratory to “take his own path” and try to assimilate into society. He “immediately bonds with animals of all kind” and would “literally not kill an ant,” but his processor did not factor in the humans that he threatens to destroy and all of the animals that he eats.

Just because he got left in the woods, I have a feeling that we haven’t see the last of Chad. He is immortal, after all.

[via Wet Paint]

Image via Youtube

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

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