School ending means only one thing when you’re in college. You are forced to venture back into the real world, where majority of the population doesn’t fall between eighteen and twenty-five and blacking out on a Tuesday is indicative of “alcoholic tendencies.” For some, that can mean actually finding a real person job and doing real person work. For others, it means going back home and working on your tan while dreaming about being back at school. Leaving school means leaving everything you love for summer behind: four dollar Long Island Iced Teas, sticky frat basements, and yes, even your main hook up/friend with benefits/go to guy for when you’re lonely.
Thats right, you’re going to want to break things off with your beau before you start sampling the sizzling summer options that exist outside your college town. If you don’t feel the need to do that, you’re probably more confident and sexually adept than I, so more power to ya!
Ending things with a guy you aren’t quite dating but definitely aren’t not regularly sleeping with is easily one of the hardest things you’ll do in your mid-twenties. Depending on how close you are, you have to tread lightly. It needs to be as casual as your relationship has been, open-ended enough that you can totally get back at it if you want to come September, but final enough that you won’t feel bad metaphorically -or literally- swiping right on every cute guy you meet.
The only reason you do this is because it’s really fucking effective. Nothing gets the message across that you don’t want to keep on keeping on like completely avoiding someone’s texts. But be careful. I wouldn’t recommend doing this to someone who you actually like/who is friends with your friends/could ruin your reputation, because let’s just say this worked for that guy I dated sophomore year…until I found him again and got him banned from his favorite bar.
On the Phone/Over A Voicemail
This is basically the cop-out version of ghosting someone. On the off chance they actually confront you about the ghosting, you can just refer to their missed call log/voicemail history. But honestly, you might well just ghost them, since no has actually taken a phone call since 2009, and I’m not sure I could even access my voicemail if I wanted to.
Via A Text
No one, not even someone you aren’t quite dating, wants to get dumped via text. However, it’s still a step up from completely disappearing. Sending a “catch you next semester!” text is the college equivalent of writing HAGS in someone’s 7th grade yearbook. It is a friendly reminder that you care about them and what they are doing, but also have no interest in seeing them over break and will completely lose your shit if they attempt to contact you in any way.
Start Refusing to Do That One Thing
The longer you’ve been doing a dude, the more you know about him and his, erm, needs. Everyone has that one thing that will totally get them off. While this dumping method takes a little more planning than the rest, it always works and bonus! You never have to be the bad guy. Just figure out what gets your bed-pal going and start completely refusing to do it. I’ll give you a hint: it’s probably blow jobs, so you’re welcome! Eventually, he’ll get the hint and dump you, which is the perfect excuse to get black out drunk with your friends and hit on strangers. Jk, you don’t need an excuse to do that.
Ask Him To Commit
Nothing makes a man run for the hills faster. If he wants to get ~serious~, just start using his computer to search for wedding dresses and engagement rings, and he’ll be gone faster than you can say “Cushion Cut Halo set in a Platinum Double Band.”
And if all else fails, just tell him you’re moving to 15 Yemen Road, Yemen..