All women are crazy to a certain extent. After coming back from a semester abroad, my best friend tried to name her new puppy after her German ex-lover. She literally wanted to name the one thing that would never leave her, because it would depend on her for food, water, and shelter, after an ex. She said she just really liked the name, but I wasn’t convinced. Luckily I managed to talk her out of it, but the point is that sometimes we get a little crazy and in the heat of the moment our sanity gets clouded by our insecurities and before we know it, we end up cutting off our boyfriends’s penis, Lorena Bobbitt style.
This woman takes the crazy cake and stabs it with knife, a la Taylor Swift in ‘Blank Space.’ After being with her boyfriend for three years, she highly suspected he was cheating on her. So she started signing her name on his penis and photographing it before he left the house, and when he would return, she would compare the picture to his penis and make sure it matched. You know, like a crazy person. She claims it helps her feel ‘secure’ about what he’s doing while he’s out with the guys. If you already don’t think this woman is bat shit level crazy, watch the video below and you can see her desperate attempts to rationalize this insane behavior.
What’s most surprising about her confession isn’t that she signs and photographs her boyfriend’s penis. It’s that she’s been doing this EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. It’s as mundane to her as drinking a cup of coffee in the mornings. First off, she’s been with her boyfriend for seven years and he still hasn’t proposed. Anyone want to take any guesses as to why? Because you don’t marry the girl who signs her name on your penis every day, that’s why. Second, I’m no mathematician, but according to my calculations this woman must have 1,460 pictures of her signature on her boyfriend’s shaft on her phone, not counting a leap year. That’s a whole ‘lotta dick pics.
From the way I see it, you can take this video one of two ways. You can either vehemently shame this woman for being absolutely psycho insane, or you can use this video to justify the semi-crazy things you occasionally do to to check up on your boyfriend’s fidelity. Checking his phone for illicit texts while he’s in the shower? Totally fine, compared to this. Conveniently forgetting your laptop at your place so you have to use his to turn in an assignment and also check if he was watching porn recently? Completely normal, compared to this. If you get caught, you can always say, “At least I don’t sign your penis and photograph it before you leave the house, asshole! AND I’M NOT CRAZY!”.
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Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: [email protected] (not .com).
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