Evaluating The Evil Of The Formerly Fat Guy

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Evaluating the Evil of A Formerly Fat Guy

I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but at some point during a past life I must have really mentally fucked someone with a weight problem. I really don’t judge people who are overweight, which is weird because I do judge people who are naturally unattractive through no fault of their own. I just have compassion for our chubbier counterparts. I think food, for them, is more like an addiction than it is a conscious poor choice. If my 12-year-old self taught me anything, it’s that binge eating your way through life crises (like a paper jam inhibiting your ability to print out an AIM conversation with Steven) is easy to do and hard to quit. As a teenager, I had a pretty badass body, but it wasn’t because I was healthy, it was because I was lucky. I got down with chicken fingers, french fries, and ice cream like everyone else, but the metabolic gods smiled upon me in my formative years, knowing they’d be laughing at me now. My empathy, unfortunately, has earned me zero points with karma, because I’ve still thrice been the victim (and I do mean victim) of a formerly fat guy.

In girls, there exists a phenomenon commonly referred to as “ugly duckling” syndrome. Girls who were “plain,” and/or “hideous” as children can grow into really attractive young adults. They’re a rare and coveted find, because unlike most of their attractive peers who have spent their entire lives hearing “You’re such a pretty, little girl!” and “My mom thinks I should like you” (sure Chris, your “mom” thinks), the ugly duckling never developed an over-inflated ego. Basically, she’s not that confident and she’s not a bitch.

It’s logic, so most people assume that the same paradigm exists for guys who used to be less attractive, or more specifically, fat. Of course, this is wrong. For some reason unbeknownst to me, guys aren’t as superficial with their friendships as girls are. A totally attractive group of guys might keep a fat guy around, in fact, most do. Weird, I know. He’s probably hilarious, which is why they like him, and really fucking charming because if he wanted to stand a chance when his friends brought girls around, he had to be. We falsely assume he’s the “nice guy” among a group of assholes, but that’s just because we never gave him a chance to let the douchebag within shine through. His inner asshole has actually been forced into dormancy for years, but once Porky loses the weight, that inner asshole is unleashed. No more hooking up with that kind-of-annoying girl for him. He’s out for blood mascara-stained tears, and to be blunt, you’re fucked, physically and metaphorically.

After years of having to compensate for his appearance, your boy is far superior to his I’ve-always-ridden-on-my-good-looks friends at the game, but now he’s their aesthetic equal, making him irresistible. Naturally, he takes his newfound attention and becomes a total poon warrior, taking no prisoners (or taking tons of prisoners? He’s fucking people over is what I’m trying to say). He used to be a really hot girl’s crying shoulder, so he knows exactly the kind of mindfuck that gets you going, and he gets off from the fact that he’s capable of it now. Plus he has this weird need to avenge his former fat self and you’re just the former cheerleader to take out his years of rejection on. Good for you, bro. You still have stretch marks.

If he doesn’t get back at womankind by turning into a complete manwhore, he will instead take on his role as the worst boyfriend ever. He’s going to become one of those cocky tools who sends selfies of his admittedly sick body, but that’s only okay when you do it. You’re not visually stimulated like he is, so it’s just weird. He’ll be on a constant pursuit of self-assurance, much like a woman. You’ll no longer monopolize phrases such as “I think I’m going to wear the black one, because it’s more slimming,” “Can I have the dressing on the side?” and “I feel like a fucking wildebeest,” in your relationship. Do you know how disconcerting it is to order cheese fries, or hell, even an entree when your boyfriend gets a fucking salad? He’s going to demand perfection from you because he’s so crazy about his own body, and guess what? “Cookies and cream” flavored or not, protein shakes don’t taste good. He’s an idiot if he thinks you don’t ugly cry while doing side bends naked in front of the mirror because you notice and hate your hips, but it doesn’t stop him from telling you they could use improvement. You once heard that if a guy’s worth it, he’ll love you and think you’re beautiful no matter what, but like unicorns and orgasms via g-spot, you’re beginning to think that’s a myth. He’s impossible to keep up with and he’ll eventually take a toll on your previously untarnished self-esteem.

There’s a special place in this world for coolish, semi-good-looking fat guys, but it’s important that they remain lovable lards, just how we found them. No good can come from it once he resolves to make a change. Friend, girlfriend, or random chick he just met, you won’t be spared. So, seriously, when it comes to this guy, run now, while he still can’t, or for once, get back in the kitchen.

Image via Home Gym Bodybuilding

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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