Five Fourth Of July Outfit Options And What They’ll Say About You

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Something Over-The-Top

Over-The-Top
This is including but not limited to body paint, a tutu, a red, white, and blue onesie, civil war apparel, Lady Liberty or Uncle Sam costuming, or an American flag suit. This tells people “I love America, but I love attention more.” This isn’t an America-themed party, folks, it’s a holiday. You are going to look ridiculous at your friend’s barbecue with a torch and crown, because you’ve gone as the statue of liberty. With that said, please still do it. Not only is it hilarious, but it’s a great display of patriotism, and it really gets people going.

Jorts and a Patriotic Tank

Jorts and Party Tank
Preferably crafted and distressed patriotic jorts, maybe even with some sort of bandana situation, and definitely topped off with aviators, this says “I’m here to drink.” Sure, you may have gotten rowdy with some fabric paint, but you basically used this reason to dress up as a reason to dress down. You’ve got on minimal clothing, but you can still black out confident that you won’t have a wardrobe malfuction — you’ll be cool, comfortable, and classy, just like America.

Bathing Suit

Bathing Suit
If you’re wearing a bathing suit, your outfit is probably telling the world “I have a friend with a boat.” Or a beach house, lake house, whatever. You’re spending America’s birthday on her waters, the way nature intended. This is really the only way to maximize your Fourth of July experience. Just add booze and fireworks, and you’re raging exactly how our forefathers intended. Double points if you’ve got an American flag bikini or swim trunks.

Red, White, And/Or Blue Dress

Sundress
You’ve got a stick up your ass, and that’s OKAY. Better a stick than a dick, I always say. I will probably be wearing a sundress if it makes you feel any better. A regular dress on Independence Day just tells everyone “I am always put together, and this is really just an excuse for me to wear a bow.” Are you actually always put together? Have you never run into the grocery store with a messy bun, sweatpants, and a t-shirt? Me neither. Regardless, the point of your ensemble is to make it appear that you’re always looking flawless. You’ll probably just look pretentious, but that’s good enough for me.

Normal Clothes

Normal Clothes
You didn’t forget that today was the Fourth of July. You either purposely woke up, and put on your best red, white, and blue, or you purposely didn’t. I get the message you want people to hear: “I’m trying really hard not to try hard,” which either means you’re in middle school, or you’re a dude. I’ve always been all about themed events. I even wore changed into a red and pink tweed mini skirt when I got to school in below freezing temperatures during the winter in the northeast to celebrate Valentine’s Day in the ninth grade. I really like to dress for the occasion and/or be on the receiving end of male attention, so I don’t understand why someone would choose not to partake in the festivities, but I will give you a free pass on the lack of enthusiasm in your apparel this year. Just so you know for the future, though, no one thinks it’s cool to not get hyped up about America. Communist.

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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