Psst. Hey you. Yeah you, with the dick. Listen up. I feel like girls and guys should stop playing games and be honest with each other. But since that is physically impossible, I have made you a cheat sheet so you know what we girls are actually trying to tell you and you can respond accordingly. It will just make it easier for the both of us.
- “I’m so fucking chill.” = I am one mistake away from castrating you, big guy. Just try to like that bitch’s Instagram and see what happens. I dare you.
Correct answer: “I know, it’s the best. Want some wine?”
- “I’m one of the guys.” = I sometimes sip on beer at parties and I can name more than 10 famous NFL players.
Correct answer: “You are too pretty to be one of the guys.”
- “Yeah I know her. She’s in my sorority.” = I have nothing nice to say about this bitch but I am not trying to start shit right now.
Correct answer: “She seems like a bitch.”
- “Can you believe he did that?” = This story was a decoy to test your morals. Your answer to this will decide my feelings about your character from here on out.
Correct answer: “What a dick!”
- “I don’t care if you talk to other girls.” = Don’t you dare talk to other girls.
Correct answer: “I don’t want to talk to other girls, babe. There’s only you.”
- “I love this song.” = Listen to the lyrics of this song because it’s everything I wish I could passive aggressively subtweet at you but it would be too dramatic and obvious.
Correct answer: “These lyrics are so relatable.”
- “Who is she?” = Bitch better back off!!!!
Correct answer: Calmly explain you relationship to her, why she needed to talk to you, and change the subject.
- “I don’t care what we do tonight.” = If you don’t guess what I want to do tonight, then I will not talk to you for a week. I’ll give you a hint: I have no idea.
Correct answer: “I’ll have fun as long as I’m with you. Why don’t we go out to dinner at your favorite restaurant and figure it out there?”
- “I don’t do relationships.” = I haven’t been able to lock down a relationship in over a year and I am desperately trying to do so.
Correct answer: “I think they’re okay with the right person.”
- “Does this look okay on me?” = Compliment me.
Correct answer: Compliment.
- “Are you sure?” = Compliment me again.
Correct answer: Compliment ever nicer than the first one.