I did not receive a dick pic until the summer before my junior year of college. At first, I was offended. Was I not pretty enough for this popular virtual, veiny exposure? Why didn’t anyone feel like I was worthy of grainy shot of their flesh sword? It seemed women everywhere were complaining about a constant barraging of beef sticks. Maybe it was a good thing that my box remained unpenetrated. My inbox, that is. But as the rules of irony would have it, as soon as I came to peace with my lack of penis pictures, there it was. An unsolicited sexual snap from a guy who I had met at a party the night before. I knew more about him then than I did after talking to him for an hour and a half. His caption, “he misses you,” showed his sense of humor and the fact that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. However, the fact that he was still in bed at 1:12 PM showed me he wasn’t much of a go-getter.
I stared at the one-eyed snake and it stared right back at me. Seven seconds later, and it was gone. The “press to replay” option was taunting me. It was like I was in eighth grade again when my best friend and I turned off SafeSearch and googled “penis” with just to see what would come up. I decided that dick pics aren’t as bad as everyone says they are.
As women, we can appreciate how long it must take to perfect the sausage selfie. If your entire existence came down to a 5-7 inch (I’m being generous) tube of meat connected to your body, that would be extremely stressful. Knowing the correct lighting, angle, and pose are skills that don’t just appear overnight. The penis, one of the ugliest things in the world as determined by all humans everywhere ever, is necessary for our species to survive. Modern man has found a way to take full advantage of the technology available today to spread their seed as far as the internet can take them.
Receiving a schlong shot is viewed as degrading and repulsive. We have the power to use them to our benefit. Men are at an advantage. They can usually visualize what we will look like without our clothes on based on the shape of our bodies. But nowadays, men’s fashion does not provide a big enough bulge for women to decide if listening to him ramble about sports for half an hour is going to be worth it or not. However, as soon as a dong is delivered to our iPhone, the balls (and shafts) are in our courts. He is presenting his package on a silver screen for us to decide what we want to do with it. Wanna pass? Don’t reply. Wanna play? Reply with tits. Gone are the days of wondering what he is working with until you are the one trying to work it. Pecker portraits return the power to the prettier gender. We get to choose our own anaconda adventure with all the information we can get. Not to mention you could ruin his life with a simple screenshot.
So ladies, next time your guy sends you a mugshot of his manhood, thank him. He is giving you more than you think..
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