Growing A Beard Is The Male Equivalent Of A Boob Job


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Ladies, I have a story for you. A story about a boy named Travis. Travis was this irrelevent twiggy kid in my English 1000 class freshman year. He wore a trucker hat no matter the weather and possessed the sexual appeal of a muffin. But I grew to love him, despite his unfortunate physical shape. Why? Because of the beard he began to sport mid-October. I fell hopelessly in love with that perfectly maintained, shiny mane. The boy who once annoyed me with his very stature blossomed into a majestic unicorn, and my grade suffered a drastic consequence. I still remember that fateful day in December when he shaved my dear friend. I’m a different woman now.

If a beard can turn that 140-pound of human garbage into a Prince Charming, you can only imagine what it could do for a normal sized guy who doesn’t feel the need to smack his gum for the entirety of every 50-minute class.

You might be thinking to yourself, eh, I’m not really into beards. But you are, and it’s time to stop fighting it. There’s probably a scientific explanation for why women can’t resist a dude with a beard just a google search away, but honestly, I don’t want to ruin it for myself. For whatever reason, it’s an undeniable fact that so many men are insanely hotter sporting at least some shadow. Ian Somerhalder, David Beckham, John Krasinski, Ryan Reynolds– and don’t even get me started on Clooney. These men are beautiful to begin with, yes, but they defy the laws of sex when they skip a shave. They basically attain what women do when dishing out $5,000 on a boob job– only they get to do it for free, because we live in a cruel, cruel world.

This is not to say that every man who grows a beard is hot. Travis wasn’t hot. He just became hotter. Think Jonah Hill or Zach Galifianakis: they’re not by any means handsome, but it wouldn’t be significantly easier to date them for their, um, success if they were rocking a half beard. You just know there are hundreds of hollywood stylists telling their unfortunate looking male employers they should seriously consider ditching their razors.

I’m almost irritated that men have this luxury to begin with. Sure, we get to dye the shit out of our locks and change the very structure of our face with makeup. But men get to rock another set of hair, basically independent from whatever mess they have up top. And it doesn’t cost a thing, because the very premise of having a beard is failing to groom themselves in the first place. I would be seriously angry at this inequality if I didn’t feel that women benefit just as much, if not more, from a unshaven face.

I feel that as long as guys are encouraging us to have our tits out for the boys, we should be encouraging them to adopt a healthy stubble. As a member of the obviously dominant sex, I feel that women are basically on a never ending hunt for the right batch of testosterone. And what better way to find him than by judging the beard on his face, the way men view the twins? At least we have the decency to keep our gaze at a relatively normal eye level. We should count ourselves lucky to spend our twenties in a time when facial hair is so widely accepted. I, for one, fear for the day when facial hair is no longer on trend. I don’t want to live in a world where baby-faced men dominate the social scene.

Image via Shutterstock

Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at

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