Guys Tell All: What It’s Like To Have A Wiener


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Guys Tell All

I don’t think there’s a girl on planet Earth who hasn’t wondered what it’s like to have a little bologna pony between her legs. I’ve often thought about all the magical things I’d do if I had one for a day. Suffice it to say, I’d be holding the remote more often. I’d also be on a desperate quest for a blow job. But then I start wondering if I’d be attracted to guys or girls in this fictional world? Do I have to hook up with a chick? And does that make me gay or straight? Not so cut and dry. In any case, since switching bodies is not possible yet, I asked guys what the best thing about having a wiener is. It’s the closest I’ll get to knowing.

It’s low maintenance. I don’t have to go to a special doctor for it, it can’t get me pregnant, and the number of places I can pee is exponentially higher.

-Jake Goldman

Peeing outside. It’s so awesome. Peeing off a patio is one of the great thrills of my life. Sometimes I pray for snow, so I can write my initials in pee. Peeing outside >>>>>>>> peeing inside.


Using it to forcibly smash glass ceilings. Always having something to keep your hands occupied if necessary.

-Joe Nullet

When it gets hot outside you can spin it in a circle and it functions as a sort of makeshift fan.

-Jared Borislow

Not having blood or a kid come out of it.

-Dan Regester

Discrete public urination.


Babies can’t come out of it.

-Will deFries

Helicoptering it around in a circle and making a helicopter noise like a helicopter by yourself in the mirror.

-Ross Bolen

They’re not all that cool outside the bedroom. I mean, peeing standing up is pretty convenient, but using it for sex stuff is really when the possession of a penis becomes useful.

-Dillon Cheverere

Where to start? I probably get paid more than the girl posting this, superior driving skills, the ability to happily skip down a dark alley at night (you guys wouldn’t BELIEVE how much cool stuff is in dark alleys), writing my name with my own pee, higher alcohol tolerance, the ability to orgasm in a jiff, low maintenance genital upkeep, and unless I have to pass a kidney stone I’ll never have to squeeze anything horrifyingly uncomfortable out of where I pee.

That’s really just the tip (HA GET IT!) of the iceberg.

-Rob Fox

Cock pushups.

-David Ruff

It’s funny, because they’re acting like I’ve never peed outside, when in reality I think I’ve drunkenly marked every single building on my college campus like I’m a fucking dog. And helicoptering doesn’t sound as awesome as getting to play with boobs whenever you want. But dat wage gap, doe.

To read Guys Tell All, Why Dating Sorority Girls Is Better, click here.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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