Here’s Why All Those Ancient Greek Statues Depict Men With Tiny Schlongs


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Nice Move


I’ve never understood the male population’s obsession with having the largest possible schlong. The whole “bigger is better” mentality never quite caught on for me in that regard, probably because there’s no greater moment of terror than when you unbutton a guy’s jeans to find a third leg that he expects to enter into one of your orifices.

Big dicks are great, except when they’re just too big, and then no one wins. The poor guy gets half a blowie and then an awkward handy to finish, and you get a vagina that’s been so frightened that it’s threatened to just close up shop entirely. Not exactly optimal. Not that we all need to start looking for micropenises — I’m just saying, bigger doesn’t always reign supreme over smaller. And now, I might actually have some research to back me up on this opinion.

As it turns out, the ancient Greeks really were smarter than us in about a million different ways, including when it came to preferred dick size. According to art historian Ellen Oredsson, in Ancient Greece a small penis was prized over a large one, because Greeks valued a man who was rational, intellectual, and authoritative, and they believed small penises allowed men to remain more logical. All of those statues in museums with muscular men with huge shoulders and tiny penises? Now we finally know why. They were modeled after the ideal man, and the ideal man had a teeny weeny. In those days, small penises were just the way to go, and if a guy had a huge dong everyone thought he was a big dummy. I can’t say the logic doesn’t speak to me on some level.

Also, the perfect Greek man sounds pretty great to me, but in general, I still prefer a man who can get a little passionate at times and not just remain stoic and calm like some kind of robot. However, I might be okay with one of those tiny dicks. Hey, he could be a grower, not a shower, right?

[via Cosmopolitan, SomeECards]

Image via Shutterstock

My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here:

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