How to Convince People You’re Not A Hot Mess

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Hot Mess

If you can successfully trick people into believing you have it all together, you can secure your dream position in your sorority, convince younger pledge classes you’re flawless, and guarantee that your legacy will remain intact once you’ve left campus behind. You’re familiar with the basics: don’t go commando, don’t drunk cry, don’t mack on a sister’s man, and don’t slap your suitor. As long as you utilize these other tips and tricks you can con the world into thinking you’re not a frequent flyer on the hot mess express.

Wait ‘Til It’s Late

Parents say nothing good happens after 2AM, because that’s when everything great happens. Once it’s late, everyone’s too drunk to be aware of anything. This includes your gentleman caller, especially if he’s no gentleman at all, (and let’s be honest, at 2AM, he’s not). If it’s near sunrise, nobody will spot you taking an impromptu tour of your favorite fraternity house. They won’t notice that you applied lipstick sans mirror, that your DFMO was probably illegal in most states, or that you disappeared into the bathroom with your sisters and came out with a little more energy than earlier. As long as there’s one other person at the bar drunker than you, they’re the disaster.

Dress Subtly Slutty

Pick your best feature to highlight. If you’re beyond proud of your sweater puppies, by all means show them off, but top them with a cute accessory so it doesn’t look like you’re dressing solely for dudes (if you were, you’d be naked, obviously). At my first ever fraternity party, a boy approached me and shook my hand. I was impressed by how mature fraternity men were until he said, “I just wanted to thank you for bringing your titties to the party.” I don’t leave home without them, but that showed me they don’t need to be out and about all the time, just on special occasions. Make sure your cleavage-baring blouse is super chic, and that even at themed parties you leave a little something to the imagination (freshman get a free pass, so take advantage of your year of living dangerously).

Keep Your Head, Heels, And Standards High

After a few tequila shots, your standards might be on the decline, and that’s fine. Your head may not be that high if you’re dropping it low on the dance floor, and that’s cool, too. Whatever you do, though, keep your heels on. It’s impossible to not look sloppy when you’re limping barefoot across the quad. I’m still trying to live down spraining my ankle while my date walked me home from formal. I learned the hard way that it’s tricky to find cute outfits that hide an air cast. Get drunk enough to ignore the pain, but not so drunk that the health center suggests crutches.

Choose Your Moments

Every girl’s allowed some rough nights, but when you’re being carried home by stranger dangers, because even your sisters are tired of you, that’s bad news bears. You don’t want a guy to describe you as his fraternity’s philanthropy cause, because neither you, nor standards will be laughing. There’s nothing worse than waking up without your personal belongings or dignity, so try to limit that kind of slopshow to once a year. If every night ends with you kissing a porcelain bowl instead of a boy, it’s time to reevaluate.

Once you find the perfect balance between buzzkill and blackout, you’re golden. Don’t let any sober judgmental people kill your buzz. They just haven’t had enough wild nights to know they’re necessary. Live it up, but always look adorable enough to distract people from the crazy. As long as you avoid getting caught in the act, you can pretend any night never happened. If you look cute the next morning with your pin, pearls, and planner, no one will even begin to imagine how hungover you are.

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