How To Third Wheel With His Friend Like A Pro


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Nice Move

Guy Third Wheel

It happens casually. Your boyfriend or sort-of-boyfriend or whatever he is, asks you to hang out. You agree before you realize his friend is coming too. Shit. You quickly send out a text to your litte, but she’s busy. And your big is out of town. And no matter who you ask, no one can come out with you. So you have two choices, cancel or go. After contemplating the situation for far too long, you agree to go because you know just how important it is to manipulate get his friends to like you.

So you get ready. You put on your least-slutty-while-still-hot outfit and you stalk his social media to get any and all information about of him. Still, it doesn’t help the fact that you’re about to be the third wheel on a very long, very important outing. Here’s how to survive it without ruining your relationship or your sanity.

Buy A Round Of Drinks

Nothing wins guys over quite like free alcohol. Maybe it’s because they never get it, but when they do, they act like it’s, well, free alcohol. Once you’re settled down, ask him and his friend what they’d like and head up to the bar before they can protest. The second you’re gone his friend will talk about how cool you seem, while also maybe complimenting your ass. When you return you’ve immediately made him like you more than most of the girls you think you’re friends with.

Pick Your Conversation Wisely

Your boyfriend is fine listening to you babble on about whatever shitty reality show you’re watching or what that bitch in class did because he’s your boyfriend. He gets to put his penis inside of you. His friend, however, isn’t as lucky. He doesn’t have to sit there and listen to you talk about how you think Jenny is a bitch because she didn’t Snap you back. And trust me, he doesn’t want to listen to it. Listen to what they’re talking about, pipe up when you can, and pick topics that are universally friendly. Whether it’s a show everyone is watching (#StrangerThings) or something going on in the world (The Olympics, anyone?), make sure to keep it light and not-so-cringeworthy.

Don’t Be “That Girl”

Even if you *are* that girl. Now is the time to not be her. Don’t sneer at the bar they choose, don’t insist that you need to dance on the elevated surface, and don’t get weird when they start talking about girls. If you’ve ever needed or wanted to be one of the bros, this is the time. Be calm. Be cool. And don’t order a salad if they order food.

You Can Be On Your Phone, But Not Too Much

I get it. They’re talking about old friends or football with each other, and it’s obvious that you’re not exactly included in this conversation. It’s fine to send a quick text to your friend or scroll Instagram for a few minutes. But for the most part, you need to be active in the bonding, which means not active on social media. You don’t need to Snapchat the whole night. You do not need a selfie with his friend. And you do not need to ask them to take forty-five pictures of you in front of a pink wall for Instagram. Put your phone on silent and do your best to stay off of it. It might hurt, but realizing that his friend thinks you’re boring because you stared at a screen all night hurts even more.

Hands Off

PDA is awkward. PDA is even more awkward when you’re with one other person and he usually sees your boyfriend playing video games, not having his mouth explored by your tongue. Anything more than a high five is too much PDA in this situation. You can risk a quick kiss if his friend is in the bathroom or randomly becomes blind sometime during the night, but otherwise stay far, far away. Besides, absence makes the dick grow harder, right? You can have your boyfriend and his mediocre kissing skills at the end of the night when his friend goes home with some random girl you already hate.

Find Some Way To Entertain Yourself

Most likely this whole thing is going to be boring. Just prepare for that. If you can’t be on your phone and you can’t talk about yourself and you can’t makeout with your boyfriend, you’re going to be pretty limited. Pray that the places you go have giant Jenga and if not, use this time to plan who this guy should walk down the aisle with at your wedding. Get drunk enough to where most things are entertaining, but not drunk enough to where you start crying at the bar. It’s a fine line, but this is what standards has been preparing us for.

You’re The Third Wheel

The final thing to remember is that in this situation, you need to be the third wheel. I know in theory it’s his friend, but it’s your job to make sure that doesn’t happen. Don’t steal your boyfriend away. Don’t try to one-up his friend with stories you have with your boyfriend. And for the love of any and all gods, do not talk in “we.” The fastest way to get a ring is to win over the friend, but not impressing him? Is the fastest way to get dumped. No pressure.

Have a great time.

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(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to:

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