Columns

How To Totally Revamp Your Boyfriend’s Wardrobe Without Him Knowing

How To Totally Revamp Your Boyfriend's Wardrobe Without Him Knowing

Finding a good guy is tough, mostly because the majority of college dudes are narcissistic assholes who fear commitment more than death, but a little bit because college girls have unrealistically high expectations. It’s okay to have non-negotiables, but what’s more important is to recognize which of those non-negotiables are changeables. He doesn’t smile when he sees babies? Unchangeable. His “dream,” or whatever is to be, like, a famous baseball player? Changeable. He’s only 5’6”. Unchangeable. You hate his haircut and like 70% of his wardrobe? Changeable.

Girls get so hung up on guys’ wardrobes, and understandably so, but the thing is — it’s not his fault. If his clothes suck, it just means he hasn’t had a girlfriend who taught him how to dress yet, and playing “Flip That Boyfriend” is not as large an undertaking as one might think. You just don’t know where to start. A mistake too many girls make is by being too forward about it. You can’t just come out and start telling him his clothes are fugly. It’s a slow, subtle process, and at no point can you let him feel like you’re “changing him,” which is why, like all things in life, you have to make him think it was his idea.

Start immediately, not by getting rid of his old clothes, but by getting him new ones. He’ll resist the idea of you shopping for him at first, and if he’s like most guys, the idea of actually going shopping in the outside world is the first ring of hell, so you need to be careful. Like he’s a baby deer in the woods, approach slowly and carefully so he doesn’t scurry away. Get him a gift card to a store approved by you and available online. Man Outfitters is seriously perfect. It’s an online menswear store that sells brands ranging from Costa, to Sperry, to Cole Haan, to Jack Spade, to Southern Marsh, to J Brand, and dozens more. Have you gotten a Valentine’s Day gift yet? Of course you haven’t, because men are impossible to shop for. Gift card to Man Outfitters. It will be delivered to you instantly via email. Trust.

From there, it’s easy. He’ll realize he doesn’t have to wait until Christmas and his birthday to get new clothes from his mom every year and the hardest barrier is suddenly torn down. Now, all you have to do is manipulate him through sex. Whenever he wears the clothes you approve of, you make sure to act like you’re getting all hot and bothered because he looks soooo good in that shirt, and maybe even do that thing you almost never do. Like Pavlov’s dogs, he’ll start to realize that the clothes get him sex. He’ll want more sex, he’ll buy more clothes, and your job is nearly complete.

Once you get really comfortable, and his closet is starting to fill up, that is when you get rid of the shit you don’t like. Slowly start noticing he doesn’t have room any more. He needs to donate some things. He won’t want to do it himself, because he’s lazy and hates all things domestic, so you sweetly offer to go through his closet for him, and get rid of anything you don’t like. It’s as simple as that.

All you need to do is buy the Man Outfitters gift card now, and turn your boyfriend into a manfriend.

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

2 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TSM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More