How To Win A Fight With Your Frenemy: A Round By Round Breakdown

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Nice Move

How To Win A Fight With Your Frenemy: A Round By Round Breakdown

Frenemies are the absolute worst. We all have them, so there’s no use trying to pretend you can’t relate. There are different levels of frenemies, too. There are, of course, the frenemies that are part of your integral circle of friends. They’re the girls that, for some reason, you’re unable to stay away from. Just like those douchebag boyfriends who are assholes 99% of the time, they randomly do something so great that you forgive them, momentarily forgetting that you hate them.

Far more often, though, your frenemies aren’t necessarily affiliated with your “besties,” but you still come into contact with them on a regular basis. These girls are the true frenemies, because you’re forced to play nice and put on a smile when they walk into the room, even though you’d rather reenact the lunchroom fight scene from Mean Girls when you see their faces. This “friendship” is based on sideways remarks and backhanded compliments, and is DEEPLY rooted in passive aggression. The only reason you put up with these girls is because you run in similar circles, and it would be detrimental to a large group dynamic to openly not get along. The most interesting aspect of the frenemy dynamic, in my opinion, is how it always becomes a competition. The fighting is subversive, calculated, and altogether evil, but NEVER upfront.

The only way to settle the score and assert your dominance is, of course, by winning whatever competition exists between you and your arch rival. Effing duh. Doing so is so simple it’s ridiculous, and I’m here to help all of you. I’m going to share my secret of how to win any frenemy argument, ever.

DING DING DING.

ROUND ONE:
Do not address the issue. Even though both of you secretly acknowledge to yourselves that you hate each other, you DO NOT say it out loud to anyone (save your most trusted BFF). Acknowledging your distaste for one another is a sign of weakness, and you can not let her know your weakness.

ROUND TWO:
You’re so winning, because now that bitch has NO reason to act aggressively toward you. If she does make any rude remarks, she’s the one who looks like the dramatic bitch, and not you, because you’ve never been anything but nice to her. If she gets snarky, nobody will understand where her animosity is coming from. You’re doing great.

ROUND THREE:
Plotting is key in winning any multiple round fight against some dumb slut. You can’t just chip away at her like you’re Michelangelo carving a tiny, flaccid penis. You have to wait to make your move. If you continually try to jump on her, you just look pathetic. Let her be the aggressive one, taking poorly aimed hits at you. It may suck to feel like the victim, but trust me, the payoff will be major.

ROUND FOUR:
Step up the passive aggression with some warm gestures. “Like” her occasional not-so-humble brag on Facebook. Be sure to give her compliments, when other people are within earshot. You’re so nice, and everyone loves you. Except for her, she hates you. Whatever. Look how sweet you’re being!

ROUND FIVE:
The time has come. Make your move. All the plotting, all the smiling with your teeth clenched has led up to this. It’s finally time to pull the power play and do what you’ve been planning. Whether it’s “accidentally” letting it slip that she’s sleeping with one of the older girls’ boyfriends, or “accidentally” submitting the group project you were working on with her without her name on it. Oops! She’ll whine, she’ll bitch, but she’ll get it. Some girls are too good at fighting to lose, and you’re one of them.

Knockout. You win.

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