Everyone has that one type of alcohol that, for reasons still unknown, makes them go a little insane. Sometimes it’s tequila that turns you into that crazy psycho drunk who tackles another girl who you swear was “asking for it.” For others, it’s whiskey that always makes you end your night sobbing hysterically in your friend’s arms about how no one will ever love you.
For me, it’s Torpedo beer. It’s the most deadly combination for several reasons: I love the taste, it packs a sneaky 7.2 percent alcohol, and it’s perfect for day drinking. I’m a tiny person without much of a natural ability to metabolize alcohol as it is, so I avoid it whenever possible, despite how much I love it. It’s the kind of alcohol that exponentially increases the chance that I’ll punch someone much larger than me in the face for no reason. In short, it’s my kryptonite.
So naturally, I drank four tall cans of it on a floating trip with my girlfriend’s mom.
It was a blazingly hot summer day, and my girlfriend’s mom and one of her mom’s friends were visiting for a few days. My girlfriend and I got our roommates to come, and we all packed up some floaties and a blow-up cooler packed with beer, ice, and a handle of Fireball because we’re morons. I showed up late because I was taking summer classes that I was supposed to have finished in spring (whoops) and when I got there, I asked my girlfriend what alcohol she’d gotten for me.
“I grabbed you Torpedo,” she said. “My mom knows you like it and wanted to get it for you.”
Fuck me, right?
It was a gun to my head disguised as a thoughtful gesture from my potential future mother-in-law. I couldn’t say no. I began to mentally prepare myself for the experience. I was an adult now. I could handle my alcohol. I’d scarfed a huge sandwich on the way here, so I was carbed up. I was ready to face the biggest alcoholic challenge of my life, and I needed to be successful. Your girlfriend’s mom is here, I repeated to myself. Make a good impression. Be a fucking lady.
The first can was no problem. I was floating in the sun with a light breeze, laughing with my friends. Life was good. I responsibly double-knotted my bikini at this point, just in case. The second can went down even faster — so fast, in fact, that I thought I’d accidentally spilled half of it in the water, and jumped right into the third can without a thought.
I remember the next hour or so clearly enough. Everyone was laughing and eating chips and drinking beer, and then someone started passing the Fireball around. I definitely had a few swigs, and all seemed right with the world as I grabbed my last can of Torpedo.
This is where things start to get a little hazy.
As it turns out, double knots aren’t shit to a drunk girl who’s determined to get her bikini top off. Over your head works just as well as untying it. I spent the last part of the floating trip topless and on all fours on my floatie. Happily, it wasn’t just me, as I’d also convinced every single other girl on the trip to take her top off too. All my roommates, even my girlfriend’s mom’s best friend. Let’s just say we were really a hit as we floated past other people’s rafts. The phrase “Nice tits!” was heard a lot that day. Luckily, there was no camera on board to capture my antics as I debated taking my bottoms off too. Right? Wrong.
There was a camera, because my girlfriend, in her infinite wisdom, had brought along her GoPro. You heard me right. There is actual video footage of me on all fours on my tube, topless, chugging a Coors Light with one hand and pulling my roommate’s top off with the other. There are also pictures of my bare ass since I thought pulling my bottoms down as we passed another floating group was a bitchin’ idea. I truly believe that in that moment, watching my tits bounce around as I drunkenly tackled another roommate off her tube, my girlfriend’s mom realized just how great of a daughter-in-law I would make. That video has been replayed over and over again, and I don’t think she will ever fully recover from that time I got bare ass naked in the middle of a river, with her daughter, on camera.
If you’re looking for tips on how to be a classy bitch, stay away from me. But if you’re looking to have the most ratchet time of your life on a floating trip with your future mother-in-law, hit me up. I’ve got a few tips for you..
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