I may not know a lot of things, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s fraternity guys. Not only have I had personal experience, yes, but my three years working at the TFM office have equipped me with ample intel. Did I ever think growing up that my job would supply me with the ability to get inside the mind of a twenty-year-old college male with access to copious amounts alcohol? Nope. But here I am, getting to paid to do it.
So while yes, I do know a lot about “men” in fraternities, do I really know what it’s like to be one? So I decided to do some investigative journalism, and walk a mile in their smelly (seriously just wear socks) beloved Sperrys. I braved to go where no journalist has gone before, I lived like a frat guy for a week.
Part One: The Wardrobe
The wardrobe is arguably the most essential key to being in a fraternity. How is anyone supposed to know you rage and “pull bitches” if you don’t look the part?! I couldn’t be mistaken for just any ol’ college male. So I did what any frat guy would do: I went shopping with someone else’s money. While personally, I’m completely financially independent, I had to keep my experience authentic. I
called texted the parents and insisted that I needed money for things like books and school supplies. That’s when I went to buy the real college essentials. An overpriced wardrobe fit for the average country club dad.
I bought the following:
- 1 pair of croakies that are completely unnecessary and purely for look.
- 2 pairs of Chubbies shorts to give me more mobility while I blacked out midday.
- 1 Columbia PFG that wasn’t used for fishing (frat).
- 1 Vineyard Vines polo (fraat).
- 1 Brooks Brothers button down (fraaat).
- 1 Pair of Sperrys and a pack of low rise socks.
Part Two: Diet
This was probably my favorite experience from the week. While I would normally religiously count calories, and eat soup for dinner when I really wanted Taco Bell, I got to eat whatever I wanted. I knew I needed to treat my body like trash. You see, as a frat guy, it really doesn’t matter what your body looks like whatsoever! A beer belly is a sign of accomplishment!
My diet consisted of a lot of red meat, fast food meals (not off the kid’s menu this time!), and alcohol. So much alcohol. I would consider myself someone who drinks often, but I knew I really had to take it up a notch. Natty Lite became my drink of choice, and I did not drink it from the can. That’s a rookie mistake. The only way to consume this suspiciously cheap liquid is by shotgunning or beer-bonging. After my third visit to the toilet to puke, I knew I was really getting this experience right.
Another important thing to note is protein powder. I made sure to talk about “getting in protein” for my “workout.” However, all that really means is that I needed to keep containers of protein placed around my house to show my dominance. Never actually drank it though.
Part Three: School
To go to school like a frat guy, is to not go at all. I think that is an ancient proverb. I didn’t need to worry, because I knew someone would be willing to give me their notes the night before the test.
Rather than class, I had much more important matters at hand. I had to get drunk. To live the #frat lifestyle, you can’t just get brunch-on-the-patio-mimosa-drunk. I needed to be unknowingly-pee-the-bed drunk. This task wasn’t particularly difficult. By 3 o’clock I had knocked back so much cheap whiskey that I found myself exactly where I needed to be, passed out for my midday nap with my head on the toilet. It was important that I got my rest in, because I needed to to it all again that evening.
Part Four: Work
Normally I work two jobs, but that is two too many for your average fraternity ~gentleman.~ As a compromise, I only worked one job this week. And since my job is at TFM, I figured that would be acceptable. Since I spent my days/nights getting belligerently drunk, it had an effect on my work morale. I showed up completely hungover and extremely late, essentially useless to contributing anything. Frat.
Oddly enough, work couldn’t have gone better! My change in wardrobe warranted notice from my bosses. They were blinded by the fact that I wasn’t doing anything whatsoever by my wardrobe. Rather than receiving flack, I actually got a raise! The praise didn’t end there. Instead of sitting in my cubicle working away, I was whisked off to the golf course for “meetings with the boys.” Spoiler: it was not a meeting.
Part Five: Relationships
In my normal day-to-day life, I’m not particularly invested in anyone romantically. This had to change drastically. I shot several guys from my past a simple “hey :)” text. I needed to show interest, but not that much interest. If you can believe it, my lack of extreme interest had these guys fawning over me! My vague texts and completely out of context sexts were all it took to build my fleet of men.
I shamelessly texted whoever I wanted with no regard to if they were developing feelings or not. Liberating. I made sure I snapchatted multiple guys at a time while making them think they were the only ones. While this was somewhat difficult, I found it extremely effective. There wasn’t a single night where I didn’t have someone trying to come over to my place.
Part Six: Fratting
Fratting. This required all of my time and energy. It took a lot of work pulling frat moves all day, every day. It was a job in itself.
First I gave my apartment a complete makeunder. I needed to live in complete and utter filth. I left my empty Natty Lite cans lying around, didn’t clean the toilet, and made sure the aroma was a lovely mixture of smells like weed and dirty socks. I welcomed this lifestyle with open arms.
I started my days getting in the #frat zone by listening to Wagon Wheel (not the Darius Rucker version) on repeat. After the fifth listen, I found myself in the mood to haze some pledges. My relentless yelling of “drink, you pussy bitch!” and “chug! chug! chug!” quickly led to my rise in the fraternal ladder. I wasn’t even sent to standards! I was praised! I felt on top of the world. It was invigorating.
The Results: While one would expect this disastrous lifestyle to completely tear my life apart, I was faced with no perils. Rather, things went especially well for me. Who knew?.