If Characters From “Gossip Girl” Were Sorority Girls


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Nice Move

Gossip Girl

I can say, with one hundred percent honesty, that Gossip Girl is one of the best shows ever made. Sure, it’s your secret favorite (alongside SATC) and you do your best not to admit that you’re still obsessed with it during a first date, but if we cut the shit we can admit — it’s the fucking best. The drama. The beautiful people. The drama. And one of the best parts of any good show is deciding who you would be. Are you a control freak like Blair or a “cool girl” like Serena? Is Chuck’s determination a goal of yours or is Nate more your speed? Better yet, what if these characters were hanging out in your chapter room instead of on the Upper East side? Genders aside, you can’t deny — they’d be the perfect fit.

Blair Waldorf

The HBIC, the Blair of your sorority is a force to be reckoned with. Except, of course, you won’t “reckon” with her because that would be social suicide. Or maybe even regular suicide. From the moment she went through recruitment (and accepted a bid to a top tier house) she had her sights set on being in charge. She went from leadership position to leadership position slowly but surely building an army and getting dirt on girls who stood in her way. See someone being trashy at a social? She won’t tell standards, as long as the girl votes for her for an exec position. Thinking about skipping a philanthropy event to hang out with your boyfriend? The Blair will step up to help, but it will cost you. She always has top grades and would never dream of leaving the house without looking 100 percent put together. While her recruitment outfit choices for the chapter are a bit questionable (really? headbands?) you can’t deny — her retention rates are bomb. While she has a few friends, most of her companions fear her. But when she’s sitting in front of the chapter with that presidential gavel, she couldn’t care less, even if the power has gone to her head a bit.

Serena van der Woodsen

You might think Blair is the girl to fear in the chapter, but don’t let her prestigious title fool you. When it comes down to it, the Serena is the girl to befriend. She still has a high up exec position, but chances are it’s something fun like Recruitment or Social Chair. More than that, she manages to take it very un-seriously while still having flawless events. The only reason she’s not president is that she doesn’t want to be president. Still, she’s easily one of the hottest girls in the chapter, and it’s almost annoying how guys just fall all over her. She can hold her own in flip cup, is actually good at pool, and can even sort of talk football. You want to hate her, but considering how down-to-Earth she is and how much she actually loves the sisterhood, it’s impossible. If her charm, good looks, and ability to drink you under the table didn’t get her a bid, her super long legacy would do it. Still, no matter how chill she seems, don’t get on her bad side — when her claws come out she can be the most dangerous, power-pulling girl in the chapter.

Dan Humphrey

I know I know! “We don’t have any Dan Humphreys in our chapter!” Think again. She’s the junior or (*gasp*) senior who rushed late in the game. She somehow fell through the cracks and on Bid Day you find her, being accepted in your sorority and looking totally out of place. You’re not sure who, exactly, voted her in, but she obviously doesn’t quite get it. For awhile she’s cool with just chilling in the background and blending in (or attempting to). Then, out of nowhere, she manages to befriend someone on exec. Suddenly she’s best friends with some of the higher ups and actually starts to get some positions herself. Sometimes she’s fine, like when you’re drunk and want to vent or need to copy some English notes, but other times? She acts like her being “different” means she’s better than everyone else, and her relationships with exec have totally gone to her head. And that hair! But the joke’s on you because when she graduates and finds herself at the top of the chapter totem pole and reveals that she’s actually one of the biggest legacies in the game, you can’t even begin to hide your surprise.

Chuck Bass

When this girl first entered your sorority, she terrified you. She terrified everyone. Even as a freshman she was the girl to know. Easily the hottest in the chapter, she wasn’t intimidated by the older girls and smirked in the face of standards. She made the house her home from Bid Day and she wasn’t afraid to crash on the couch or sneak a boy in whenever she felt like it. As she got older, however, she set her sights on other things. She chose not to waste her time on silly sorority politics and used her astounding connections to get a stellar internship junior year and her dream job before she graduated. The worst part is, she does it all in total style. She’s not afraid to bring up her connections to get what she wants, and most of the time just saying who she is will give her her way. Sometimes you question how she gets things done, but at the end of it all, she’s a power sister and alumna.

Nate Archibald

Two words: Face girl. The Nate of your sorority isn’t the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. You can’t count on her to raise your chapter’s GPA (or even avoid academic probation) or to go above and beyond in an exec position. Or any position, for that matter. For the most part, she just comes to the mandatory and ~fun~ events and manages to coast off of her good looks and stellar drug hookups to avoid getting in too much trouble. She usually shows up to chapter either high or not at all, but considering the in she has with exec, it doesn’t really matter. If it wasn’t for having the strongest legacy in the chapter (and her envy-worthy hair) she mostly likely wouldn’t get away with half of the shit she does. Oh to be hot and dumb.

Jenny Humphrey

Jenny Humphry. God how we all have a Jenny Humphrey. As a new member, she was eager and excited to be a part of the sisterhood. As time when on, however, the power of being Greek starting going to her head, and more and more she started rebelling. Snapchats of her smoking weed on her story? Sorry Little J. Skipping important events because she didn’t feel like going? Not good. Hooking up with the president’s boyfriend? Stop stop stop. The longer she was in the chapter, the more of a train wreck she became. No matter how many times she tried (sort of) to bounce back, she always had an ulterior motive. Finally, thankfully, she dropped the chapter. Or maybe she just stopped showing up? Either way, things are better without her constantly being a liability.

Vanessa Abrams

Every sorority ever has one, even though they totally wish they didn’t. For all intents and purposes, Vanessa is a part of the chapter, even though she was never initiated. A GDI, she latched onto the sorority because one of her best friends happens to be well-respected. She comes around meal plan and goes on date functions with you all, which is fine. But sometimes she crosses the line. She’ll try to weasel herself into a few too many things, and it backfires more times than not. You’d think she’d just rush the chapter, but she prefers to judge from the outside while still mooching off your connections. The worst.

Ivy Dickens

The definition of a tryhard, Ivy came into the sorority game late as well. Despite her good looks and seemingly innocent ways, something about her just seems like trouble. Sure she’ll smile and bake for the “Cupcakes for Cancer” table, but she might just be doing it to flirt with the fraternity guys working it too. You know, the ones dating your sisters? She’s on a payment plan, and works some part-time jobs to pay for her dues, so she’s never around enough to really care. The few times she got sent to standards it was for something really bad because most of the time everyone just forgets she existed.

Georgina Sparks

Oh, Georgie. The black sheep. As evil as she is hot, this girl is the problem in the chapter. Whenever your advisor has to come in and lecture you, you can almost 100 percent track the topic back to something this girl did. She has zero respect for the sisterhood and only rushed for the prestige of having letters. Standards is her second home, but she never worries about actually being kicked out because as bad as she is, the chapter just can’t get enough of her drama. Just because she doesn’t worry about it, doesn’t mean that with one very wrong move, she won’t be shipped off the rehab or worse, become a GDI.

* * *

Bonus Alumni

Rufus Humphrey

Rufus is the advisor you cringe when thinking about. So beyond her heyday, she can’t help but live in the past. She always talks about how great things were when she was in the chapter and how everything is worse now. Sure you can ask her for help, but the result is always a long-winded lecture where she expects you to learn something. She’s not one to look the other way when you break a rule, but instead will want to talk about it so you walk away with something “valuable.” When you’re not busy avoiding her and her horrible music choices, you’re turning her down, yet again, for carbs. Waffles can’t cure being called to standards, Rufus.

Lily van der Woodsen

Whereas Rufus is the lame advisor, Lily is the one you pray to your founders for. Despite no longer being in college, she still knows what’s cool. She’ll check up on you every once in a while, but for the most part, she’ll leave you alone and DGAF what you do. She had her days of being wild, and while she’ll occasionally crack down on you, it’s usually to impress someone else. As long as you keep the reputation of the house clean and party with top shelf liquor, you’re good in Lily’s book.

You know you love them, XOXO.

To read If Characters From “The Office” Were Sorority Girls, click here.

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(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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