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If Makeup Commercials Were Honest

If Makeup Commercials Were Honest

As someone who is terrified of the world seeing her true face, it takes a lot of work to look this average. I wear a literal pound of makeup on a daily basis just to prevent people from asking if I feel ok based on the sickly pallor of my complexion. Natural beauty is a myth and makeup companies know it. They think they have us fooled with their euphemisms of “enhancing your features” and “being your most confident self.” The ugly truth is, the majority of us are inherently hideous and the world would be a better place if makeup commercials said what they really meant. If you’re still confused what an honest makeup commercial would be, let me break it down for you.

Mascara
This is the bare necessity of the makeup world. If you wear nothing else, swipe some black goo on your eyelashes to prevent you from being mistaken for a twelve-year-old-boy whose balls have yet to drop. Even girls who pride themselves on not wearing makeup wear mascara.

Eyeshadow Palette
Like potato chips, you can never have just one even though they’re all relatively the same. Unlike potato chips, they come in fun colors like “Nude Model” or “Spank Me, Daddy”.

Liquid Eyeliner
A special kind of sadist invented this one. You’d shave a solid ten minutes off your morning routine if you just skipped redoing your eyeliner, trying to get each side to match. But we both know nothing beats a sharp winged-look so we’ll keep selling it in different varieties, and you’ll keep buying.

Eyebrow Pencil
Eyes aren’t the window to the soul; eyebrows are. You learned to color within the lines in kindergarten so it shouldn’t be too difficult to achieve full caterpillar arches.

Primer
We don’t even know if this product works, but what’s one more layer of shit to add to your face? You’re already wearing more ingredients than most processed foods contain.

Concealer
Buy this product to hide those pesky under eye bags from all-nighters, and acne caused by your diet of Ramen and pizza, you disgusting piece of shit. You may not be in control of your life, but you can at least pretend to be in control of your skin.

Foundation
When concealer isn’t enough, completely hide your real skin from that cute guy you’re talking to so he doesn’t realize you’re a literal troll until it’s too late.

Finishing Powder
Achieve Snapchat filter looks with this product. Trust us, you need more powder.

Lipstick
“I’ve got that red lip classic thing that you like”…to look at…from afar…and not touch. Lipstick is the perfect accessory for the girl who’s playing hard to get. It screams, “Look, but don’t touch boys!” No guy wants to make out with someone and get various shades of red, pink or mauve all over their face. Which is fine because this product is probably worth more than him anyway.

Setting Spray
Honestly, this is as pointless as a white crayon or decaf coffee, but we swear it’ll prevent your makeup from sweating off your face. (Hint: it doesn’t.)

Nail Polish
This is essentially a female mood ring. For example, red says, “I’m a classy whore!” while blue says, “I’m fun and quirky!” Wear black to alert everyone that you’re dead both inside and out, but you own it. Substitute this for a dark purple so older relatives don’t accuse you of reverting to your emo phase. Nude screams, “I’m boring and I’m proud!” because you’re wearing nail polish that intentionally looks like you’re not wearing nail polish. On second thought, don’t wear nude, unless they’re fake nails which double as attack weapons.

Now that we know what makeup commercials are trying to tell us, we can all celebrate our physical insecurities and collectively hate those bitches who are bold enough to rock a bare face.

Image via Shutterstock

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Snarky Srat

My hobbies and interests include everything that won't make me money. Now accepting rich husband applications.

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