I’m Attempting To Rock A Middle Part And It’s Ruining My Life


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Like most women, I have a love/hate relationship with my hair. Some days it looks like Rapunzel’s own golden strands, and other times it looks like a sad blonde Pomeranian on a humid day. My natural hair doesn’t really have a texture either, as it falls somewhere between straight and wavy, with a healthy dose of frizz. The benefit of having such bipolar hair is that it can hold a curl if it needs to, but it can also stay straight with enough hairspray and determination.

But after years of the same old styles, I was looking to switch up my hair. Being a commitment-phobe, I wanted to steer clear of scissors and dye and, God forbid, bangs. So I did what any sensible girl would do – I hit Pinterest. I scrolled and scrolled, pinned and repinned, and even tried some fancy braids out. Yet, for once in my life, Pinterest failed me.

So there I was, standing in the grocery line, rocking the same wavy hair as always. And then I saw it. Sitting right next to the candy, which admittedly had my attention prior to my epiphany, was Kim Kardashian’s face plastered across a tabloid magazine. Her glossy hair framed her annoyingly symmetrical face, sitting evenly on both sides. A middle part. In a panicked daze, I glanced at the magazines piled in front of me. Taylor Swift? Middle part. Selena Gomez? Middle part. Kate Middleton? Kylie Jenner? Gigi Hadid? TSM’s own Rachel Page? Every celebrity was grinning back at me with the secret knowledge of impeccable hair. Clearly, I had found the missing link.

After rushing home, I went into my bathroom and stared myself down in the mirror. I could do this. I grabbed my comb, and committed a crime that I had abandoned in 3rd grade. And just like that, I blossomed from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. Ha, just kidding. I looked like a potato with a mop for hair. My locks frizzed on either side of my face, making me look a little less Jenner and a little more Jesus. I whipped out the old straightener and went to town, but failed yet again.

I’ve tried. I’ve tried curls, waves, and every hair product under the sun. But the middle part is just not for us mere mortals. While it should make my face look perfectly even, it just emphasizes my crooked nose. My sun-bleached hair disappears when I part it down the center, hiding my golden strands under a nice shade of dishwater blonde. Any volume it had disappears, leaving my hair glued to my head circa tween Olsen twins. And don’t even get me started on attempting the low ponytail – I looked like I should be churning butter on an 1840’s farm instead of walking on a runway.

You couldn’t bribe me with all the hair gel in the world to go out in public with the infamous middle part. And yet, every so often I find myself sneaking out my hairbrush in the dead of the night. I slowly flip my hair evenly onto either side of my face, thinking that I finally got it right. And then I promptly regain my sanity and flip it back to normal, pour myself a drink, and open up Pinterest.

PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at PSLandPearlsTSM@gmail.com (note the single PSL).

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