I’m a simple girl with simple tastes. I enjoy killing my brain cells with diet soda, sleeping in my makeup, and hot guys. I’d like to think I’ve always had good taste when it comes to my male counterparts. I like them, you know, to look like men. So when Justin Bieber hopped onto the scene, I was not impressed. Catchy music? Hell yeah. Panty dropper? Hell nope.
The year was 2009, and the Biebs and I were both fifteen. He flew past my radar, mostly because he looked like a girl, and also because he was Canadian. I had much better eye candy in 2009, like The Jonas Brothers, and Zac Efron. I looked at those Bieliebers in disgust as I doodled, “Mrs. Nick Jonas” onto my spiral. I mocked their adoration over such a sissy-looking little boy. Fools.
As time rolled on, I continued my Bieber free lifestyle, as he continued to look like Ellen’s teenage daughter, and I continued to like boys. Then somehow, I noticed he managed to trick stunner and seemingly sane person, Selena Gomez into falling for him. Not only did she like him, she got like crazy pyscho girlfriend status. To her defense, they could probably harmonize beautifully while she took the alto part, and he took the soprano. Romantic.
I was a blissful Bieber hater along with the rest of America. He was such an easy target to hate, really. Despite his frightening criminal record of egging houses and speeding, this “tatted up bad boy R&B singer” image was not fooling me. His smug face in his mugshot was just so damn punchable. The Biebs was like that punk neighbor kid whose parents got frequent calls from the school and elderly neighbors, a la Bart Simpson. He just tried too hard to be cool, and even harder to have any sort sex appeal.
Then one ordinary day, my eyes were opened. The “child” in “man-child” was no more. There standing in a pair of legendary Calvins was a muscular, strong jawed man. And this man to my dismay, was Justin Bieber. I hated how easily those white briefs blinded me from his past. There was no going back now, I had officially caught the Bieber fever.
It was a slippery slope from there. He started making songs that made me want to make babies, appeared to have a sense of humor on his Comedy Central Roast, and to top it off he 100% slept with Kendall Jenner. If he’s good enough for Kendall, he’s surely good enough for me. Then, as if he knew I was having some uncertainty for this newfound love, his self-aware carpool karaoke video came out and completely sealed the deal. Ugh, if you’re reading this Justin, I think I’m ready for our love story to begin..
Image via YouTube