I had my first boyfriend when I was in seventh grade. The shithead started passing notes with another girl in homeroom, so I dumped him on homecoming in front everyone to remind him who was really the boss. I had another beau within a few weeks, but he wasn’t a skater and at the time I really loved those shaggy-haired boys rocking Etnies. I actually used the whole “It’s not you, it’s me” line, when really it was his fault for not kicking his way around town on a board. The rumor was that his heart never truly healed after I let him loose. It was a junior high heartbreaking love story. The point is, from a pretty young age I knew what I did and didn’t want in a guy. I’m a picky human being and I don’t want to waste my time on some loser who doesn’t meet the requirements on my relationship/boyfriend checklist. And yes, I do have an extremely long checklist of traits I want in a guy. Judge me.
If you are currently in a committed relationship, snaps to you. Everybody has their own personal preferences and mine is that I don’t want a serious relationship just yet. Despite the fact that I consider myself a pretty decent gal, it would be a waste of time for a guy to take me home to mama. One day I will want a gent to make me weak in the knees and call me beautiful even when I have heinous bedhead and morning breath. But not today. I’m not looking for someone to send me “Good morning :)” texts or canoodle with every night. I have no desire to look at my iPhone every five minutes when I go out worrying if my boyfriend is texting or calling me while everyone else is throwing back Jell-O shots. Or even worse, feel obligated to stay in every night to be watched over by him. It’s just not the way I want to spend my college nights. And unlike so many girls, I am not concerned about what my relationship status on Facebook says right now. I don’t think I’m doomed to be single forever just because the label on my love life according to social media doesn’t say, “In a relationship with (whatever the guy’s name is who sits in front of me in class).” It’s my decision to ignore boys and friendzone them instead of thinking of them in “that” way.
Relationships just aren’t really my thing. Once I commit, I will either have to eventually put a ring on it or suffer through a breakup. I’m not ready for either of those options just yet. Like sorry, but no thanks. In my opinion, these are the years to have fun, take risks, reply to “You up?” texts, and be hella free. If a guy doesn’t meet my standards (which they probably don’t at this age), why waste these precious years being tied down by him? Ain’t nobody got time for that. I do have ridiculously high expectations for my future hubby, but I am currently not on the search for a guy who matches up. What I am searching for, however, is a bronzed sex-god in the bar to potentially pucker up to by the end of the night. Chances are I won’t go home with said guy, but just having the chance to make out with strangers in the spare time of finding the right boy is liberating. He can be my #MCM for all I care. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not afraid of commitment. I’m just too lazy, young, and not in the mood to hunt down my magic man just yet, which means the time to be wild is now, and dammit I’m going to.
As of today, according to society and people like Nicholas Sparks, I am probably not “girlfriend material” anyways, and I am one hundred percent okay with that. I already suck at cooking, so how the hell am I supposed to wake up looking like a ray of sunshine and make some dude his favorite breakfast? In his fucking dreams. Instead, I prefer for a guy to memorize my minute-long Starbucks order and bring it to me before I wake up. We all know that’s not going to happen with guys in my age range anytime soon, so why bother? I also love dressing like a high-end stripper and tearing up my liver by killing a few tequila shots while chanting, “Cheers to being pretty, cheers to being naturally pretty, and cheers to never looking bad.” Any guy who wants to wife me up in that state of being is probably insane and not the kind of guy that will pass the test to have a future with me. My sorority’s standards committee literally laughs when I walk into each hearing because I am apparently always “misbehaving,” whatever that means. What kind of parents want their baby boy to date a chick who can’t keep her shit together? I’m a hot mess and proud of it.
I will clean up my act when I meet my Prince Charming who I have more emotional chemistry with than just sexual tension. Sure, there will be guys who I will give a bid to, but that doesn’t mean he will ever get initiated. So in the meantime I’m going to have a few more Long Islands, wear very minimal clothing, maintain my vulgar vocabulary, and earn some shack shirts. The right guy will find me when I’m finally open to the idea of being in a serious relationship..