I’m Offended By Ass Men


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I'm Offended By Ass Men

“Okay, so if I HAD to pick then,” he said, as I turned onto my side in the bed to face him. He stared straight up, really thinking about his decision, as if the cure for cancer rode on the next words out of his mouth. “Don’t get me wrong, I love tits. But if I’m picking between perfect tits and a perfect ass? I’ve got to go ass.”

I looked down at the Grade A set of knocks I’d been blessed with, and felt a pit in my stomach as my finger traced a dimple in my rear.

“Okay, but what if it’s not just one or the other,” I pleaded. “What about perfect tits and a decent ass vs. a perfect ass and decent tits?”

“Still gotta go ass.”

I started to feel queasy. Does this guy not realize we are not talking about some mythical abstract woman right now? We are very obviously talking about me, the naked woman before him, because in truth, I’m always talking about me.

“Fine,” I said giving him one last shot. “Perfect tits, decent ass versus perfect ass, no tits.”

“Those are not even comparable!”

“Just answer the question.”

“How good’s the ass?” he taunted, catching on to my very thinly veiled quest for validation. He turned to face me and grabbed the ass in question. “Something like this?”

“Something like it,” I whispered as he started kissing my neck. And we’re going to stop it there, pervert, because I’m not an erotic literature writer, but he ended up saying some things to appease me, and then doing some other things with his mouth to almost make me forget that he just told me he wasn’t attracted to me — well, to my kind.


The world is allegedly divided into tit men and ass men, but as all big-titty-havers know, that’s a farce. The elusive “tit man” is as real as extra-terrestrial lifeforms — that, of course, is to say that they are very real, just hard to find. Tit men can’t just be found in the wild. In fact, I can name a mere handful (no pun intended) of tit men, and it’s such a rare preference that everyone knows it about them. “Oh, you know Steve? Yeah, dude fucking loves tits. Like he LOVES tits.” It’s a borderline fetish.

But I’m not here to convince anyone that we need more tit men in the world (even though we do) or that boobs are better than butts (even though they are). I’m here to say that ass men? Well, they’re assholes. (See what I did there? It’s called a play on words.)

You see, every time the conversation of tit or ass comes up, it generally goes the same way. No one commits to tits. At best, they’ll say they like both. And the vast majority of the group proudly swear their allegiance to the booty, and then give you reasons why.

“Tits are a young man’s game. With maturity, you just become an ass man.”

“Tits don’t age well. You can work out your ass, but when boobs sink, they’re goners unless you get surgery.”

“You can’t really DO anything with tits. They’re fun for like a few minutes.”

“Ass can’t be faked.”

“Sometimes tits make a girl look fat.”

“Ass just looks great no matter what. Tits can be a surprise. Totally dependent on the nipple.”

And through all these conversations, of which I’ve heard many, I just sit there thinking Hello! I’m right here!

I know what you may be thinking: “You self-absorbed bitch, it’s not all about you. Stop trying to weirdly sexualize yourself.” And you’d be right. I am self-absorbed. It’s not all about me. And I do want to be thought of as a moderately to highly sexual being, and that’s probably weird. However, I’m not wrong in saying that the proclamation that “ass is better” in front of a “tit girl” is rude.

It’s no different than any other type of comparison. Saying “brunettes” are better is going to upset a group of blondes. Saying “tall guys are better” is going to upset a short guy. Saying “rich is better” is going to have men clutching their wallets and calling you shallow. And saying “ass” is better is going to have girls known more for their chesticles feeling themselves up as they sob. There’s no way not to internalize it. Unless you’re like, “well-adjusted” or whatever — but that’s clearly not the hand I was dealt.

What’s more? Women don’t get a choice in the matter. You’re either a “dick girl” or a lesbian. That’s all we have. No one’s arguing about scrotum or perineum. And “arms or back or chest or some other male body part I can’t even think of to objectify” is hardly the widespread debate of T or A.

So frankly? I find the whole notion offensive. And not because I’m bothered by the idea of being objectified or being reduced by a body part. But because…well, my body part isn’t being picked.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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