Jeans are the Devil’s pants. They constrict. If they fit standing, prepare to have your intestines Saran wrapped when you sit down. Forget about picking anything up ever again. But the absolute worst part is that after just a single wash, jeans lose all shape, and even the perkiest of asses are at risk of being flatlined.
But before you clutch your Lulu’s in horror and start squatting as if your life depends on it, take a breath. Levi’s has heard the cries of the masses of asses destroyed by jeans. They’ve found a solution and just released a pant to pull even the flattest asses out of their backside depression.
They’re called Wedgie Jeans. I don’t know whose idea it was to name them after the second worst thing to ever happen in the history of women wearing pants, but the ass they create, like a wedgie, refuses to be ignored.
Modeled after the classic Levi’s of the 1960s (an era known for it’s appreciation of Twiggy, not fat bottomed girls), they “hug the waist and hips, showcasing the best assets.” So instead of mashing your entire backside into a shapeless blob, which is what all my jeans seem to do, these jeans are structured to separate and lift the ass cheeks, creating a rounder, fuller appearance, without any work on your part, whatsoever!
In exactly seven to ten business days, for a measly $88 and the chafing from having denim press your ass cheeks apart for hours on end, you could have the ass of your dream!
While these promises seem too asstronomical to measure up, it’s much easier than going to the gym, so I’m game..
Images via Levi’s